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             “Good morning, ladies and gentleman of the American Armed Forces. You mustn’t smoke, but feel free to drink coffee.

              “It is popular today to question why American troops are in Afghanistan. I will tell you why. It’s because we sent them there. Yes, that is correct, most American troops are over there on America’s dime. Although I can imagine American contractors going to Afghanistan, using their own money, to hire themselves out as mercenaries, I just don’t see that happening among the troops. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think I speak for the entire Command when I say we’re proud to have each and every one of you inside the tent pissing out, rather than outside the tent pissing in!

             “But enough about me. If we lose the next election, it will be because of hubris, so I try not to speak about myself.

              “I see those troops stationed in Afghanistan acting as antibodies in the body politic’s fight against the insidious infection of Communi—oops! I almost said Communism. The spread of Islamic radicalism is what I meant, of course. We can’t let that happen.

             “To use another analogy, those troops are the fuel additive added to the gasoline of American diplomacy to prevent engine knock in the Afghan vehicle.

            “Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? Is victory attainable in Afghanistan? Let me rephrase that question: Nothing is ever 100%. That toy train you wanted as a child never went fast enough. That ice cream cone was never big enough. This is the human predicament. Nothing is ever going to be quite enough. We wouldn’t be human if it were otherwise!

           “Having said that, a limited war with limited goals will someday be followed by a limited peace with limited results. THIS IS NOT A BAD THING! As in strip poker, as long as a single shred of clothing remains on the body politic, America’s dignity remains intact!

            “Historians will look back on this time and think they have lost their place in the history book they are reading. NO, NO, NO, this is NOT Vietnam! We are not caught in a quagmire, fighting a local insurgency among the indigenous people of the region who insist on going their own way and fashioning lives in their own style, as profane and different as they may be from the American ideal. A thousand times NO! This is not happening.

           “What we have here, is a failure to communicate.

            “When we pump money into the local economy in these remote provinces, it totally disrupts the status quo.

             “When we send in aid workers, they are in need of military protection. Without it, they’re sitting ducks. Having learned from bitter experience, we discover that the military presence of our troops ALSO draws fire. It’s a no-win situation.

             “I am calling for the following remedies. The fertilizer factory in Pakistan providing most of the amyl nitrate used in roadside bombs is being bought out by an American conglomerate, who have promised to convert it to quaalude production. A clinical relaxant, quaaludes can be added to the water supply in the most violent provinces. By local consent, of course. As a public service. If the Afghans themselves want them.

           “The point is, those people need to decide for themselves regarding their future. We can build, but we can’t destroy. Or we mustn’t destroy, at any rate, which really comes down to the same thing.

            “The election coming up in 2012, where the very existence of my administration will be called into question, in no way influences my policies, I can assure you. Fighting for our lives… well, it would be intolerable of me to lecture you about fighting for your life.

            “By a happy quirk, the Constitution makes the President also the Commander In Chief. You know, George Washington was a fantastic general, so the framers said, ‘He’s so good, why not let him wear two hats?’

             “I respect that. It didn’t turn out so well with a paranoid president like Richard Nixon, but generally, the system works. This gives me the prerogative to send in American fighting power whenever and wherever necessary. As a temporary measure, of course. Since Congress has the final authority over declaring—you know—war. It certainly was never a problem under Gerald Ford.

              “I like chili, but that doesn’t mean I would hesitate for a moment to use American power—sparingly, of course—if that country ever were threatened by Communist insurgents or a radical Muslim take-over. You have to use moderation in these things. Shock and awe, certainly, but then, get your butt outta there.

             “Which is what we’re doing in Afghanistan. Slowly, methodically, hunkered down in a crouch, but with heads held high, so to speak. You get my point. I don’t ever want to be accused of putting American soldiers in harm’s way. On the other hand, I can’t control other people’s behavior. People say all kinds of things! So, as an alternative, I simply won’t let it bother me. Water off a duck’s back. Sticks and stones can break my bones. Yada, yada, yada. See ya later, alligator.

              “My opponents in the political field will make hay over the lack of progress in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Syria, Yemen and anywhere else they can find to nitpick. The American people are too smart to fall for their facile arguments and hopeless comparisons!

              “God bless you and long live the United States of America!”

                                       – President Blackie Diamond in my upcoming novel

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