Matchmaker
NOTE: In a world with The Donald winning big in the presidential sweepstakes, it’s darn hard for a fiction writer to trump reality! That said, enjoy!
**********************
For our inaugural matchup, Swedish Match proudly paired Fred Barber, 28, with Natasha Gurkin, 27. On this first date, we sent them to El Fanfarrón in Washington, DC.
Fred: “Considering the size of the wall The Donald intends to erect with Mexico, I found myself apprehensive over the choice of restaurant. Would we get kidnapped? Would we be harangued by Mexican drug dealers? On the other hand, I do love tacos.”
Natasha: “OMG! My Uber driver was a total hunk, driving me endlessly around the block, eating me alive in the rearview mirror with those gorgeous blue eyes of his. Tee-hee! It’s a miracle we didn’t have an accident!”
Fred: “I was the first to arrive and chose the table farthest in the back by the restrooms in case the guacamole didn’t agree with us or the place got raided.”
Natasha: “Paying the driver, I got in a little quick hand action. We exchanged phone numbers.”
Fred: “At first I thought she wasn’t coming, so I ordered a Dos Equis and sat moodily deciphering the faux Mayan hieroglyphics on the back wall.”
Natasha: “The wait staff greeted me like an old friend. They told me my date had arrived and seemed like a total douchebag. I love Mexican food, so I figured at least I’d get a good meal out of it. Fred wasn’t bad-looking, but I didn’t feel a spark.”
Fred: “Natasha is absolutely, like totally, breathtakingly wow! She’s stunning. Raven hair, the face of a Gypsy, voluptuous body, black leather boots. I found myself stammering. I ordered two tequilas to hide my embarrassment.”
Natasha: “I don’t normally drink on a first date, but Fred was so nervous, I figured LOL.”
Fred: “On the questionnaire, I had checked the box specifying that physical appearance is really, really important to me. Call it eye candy, but if the lady isn’t drop dead incredible, my little pecker stays in my boxers.”
Natasha: “The waiter’s name was Barry. He and I had a whole eye-contact thing going and I pretended to use the Ladies Room to give him a quick blow job.”
Fred: “I think my date must have a bladder infection because immediately after ordering, she needed to use the Ladies. For an appetizer, we ordered quesadillas made with goat cheese brie accompanied by shots of Chianti. Followed by turtle soup and, for the main course, red snapper with green tahini. We drank St. Klippenstein stout with the fish. ”
Natasha: “I don’t normally go in for crêpes, but I figured ‘Suck it up, girl, the dude is paying good money, let him order what he wants.’ The food was good. Fish is a trad aphrodisiac. I’m a great proponent of fish.”
Fred: “I expected guitar-strumming entertainers in gaucho garb, like in the movies, serenading us with narcocorridos, drug ballads. But this particular restaurant didn’t have any of that. I asked the waiter to fetch their copy of Grande Enciclopedia Illustrata Della Gastronomia and compared the food on my plate with the printed recipe. Just as I suspected, they skimped on the cilantro leaves! You would think their kitchen would be thankful for this culinary guidance, but no… Cayenne peppers from Hell came with the drinks.”
Natasha: “I got a phone call from my contact at the State Department, so I knew the evening wouldn’t be a total waste. I moved things right along, since money beckoned.”
Fred: “When she got up to stretch her legs, she shoved her butt in my face. I’m sure purely by accident. I think the wait staff pumped Spanish Fly into my tortilla, because I had a boner like you wouldn’t believe! Still, $35 for lobster, on the menu, seems excessive.”
Natasha: “Amazingly, we both worked on the Obama re-election campaign of 2012. We compared notes. Fred manned a phone bank and I canvassed door to door. Where applicable, I recorded names, addresses and phone numbers for possible inclusion on my list of johns. I didn’t tell Fred that, of course. The Washington metro area is very political. In other words, horny.”
Fred: “She was telling me about a ‘friend’ who has a private email server in her home and runs a Sex For Hire service. She wanted to know if I would consider investing in that.”
Natasha: “That’s true! Hopefully, I can incorporate this whole Swedish matchmaker scam into my business model.”
[Editor’s Note: Swedish Match is NOT a scam.]
Natasha cont: “I’m trying to get Mitt Romney to endorse my business plan… Fred kept staring at my legs. I offered to sell him my fishnet stockings for a cool thousand bucks. I like men who are into retro. We laughed a lot.”
Fred: “I asked if she was Albanian, since I make my living designing white supremacist software and she might take offense.”
Natasha: “I once had a year-long relationship with the Danish ambassador’s au pair. Her name was Margot. She came from Sri Lanka. She snored.”
Fred: “I asked if she’d ever dated Marco Rubio and I didn’t really get an answer. ‘Better to live a hundred years as a lion than one year as a sheep.’ Mussolini said that. I rubbed Natasha’s thigh under the table. If I held my breath longer than 90 seconds, visions of sugar plums danced in my head.”
Natasha: “My strongest feature is being multi-lingual. I can say ‘Fuck me!’ in seven different languages.”
Fred: “Here in DC, Oblama is frantic over his legacy. His legacy is Donald Trump!”
Natasha: “It would be brilliant if Obama nominates The Donald to the Supreme Court! It would get him out of the presidential race and replace the late Justice Scalia with an equally selfish, vain, opinionated egotist. Bravo!”
Fred: “If Christie doesn’t work out as Veep, Trump can fire him on TV. ‘You’re fired!’ Hilarious! El Trumpo can always choose Sarah Palin or The Bachelor as his running mate, people with real Reality TV acting chops.”
Natasha: “IMHO, as political allegory, Mad Max: Fury Road says it all.”
Fred: “Through the barred back window of the Men’s Room, I could see a pop-up crack house being constructed by two Indian developers from Calcutta. I ask you, how will Trump’s wall with Mexico balance the trade deficit with China?”
Natasha: “What about those of us who have haciendas in Chihuahua, south of Juarez? Down Mexico way, I am known as La Niña. My girls are among the most popular in Sinaloa. I make sure they aren’t THOTish. That Ho Over There… George Clooney calls Donald Trump a xenophobic fascist!”
Fred: “Who is George Clooney? Isn’t he governor of Michigan or something?”
Natasha: “I was governor of Michigan in a past life.”
Fred: “When you study Hitler, Mussolini or even Joseph McCarthy, a demagogue like Donald Trump is easily recognizable. He has hijacked the Republican Party for his own deification. The Trump candidacy is a bad novel. A combo of economic hardship and fear of Muslim attack has given some Americans the bunker mentality of 1930’s Germany. In a crouch, terrified, they are looking for a strongman, a savior with simple slogans, to lead them to a New Jerusalem. The Donald obliges this fantasy.”
Natasha: “With Trump as the nominee, the general election will be Day of Judgment: Nietzsche’s Superman VS Hillary’s Catwoman.”
Fred: “When Trump raises money for veterans, his foundation sometimes forgets to hand out all the money. Once, instead of a cash donation, a veterans group in Queens, New York received a supply of Trump bumper stickers. The road to Hell is paved with bumper stickers… Donald Trump, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio. All the little Napoleons. Each with worlds to conquer. Each dreaming of conquest.”
Natasha: “Let’s not get into a slugfest, now!”
Fred: “Trump is the candidate as rock star. He flies in on his giant phallic symbol, puts on a show and departs. Trump’s supporters are the same 15% fringe of dissatisfied reactionaries who supported candidates like George Wallace and Ross Perot. Back then, they were the John Birch Society. Nowadays, they call themselves the Tea Party. Same difference. It’s the same sad jerkoffs with their World Wrestling Federation mentality. Hurrah! They have found themselves a champion. A big, ugly brute. The Donald! He and Christie make a great tag team. When are they going to put on their lucha libre masks, colored pants and fancy boots? Behold, politics as ring wrestling!”
Natasha: “I’d give our date a 4.8 out of 5. Even if there wasn’t a romantic spark, I was able to borrow $150 in cash and get my name added to Fred’s checking account. We’re vacationing in Hawaii for Spring Break and Fred’s going to invest in my handmade body wash business, so I’m grateful for that. We exchanged phone numbers.”
Fred: “I’d give the date a 1.5 out of 5. When I got home, I whacked off twice and then texted her in Sanskrit, using the Punjabi lexicon as backup. Fortunately, I’m already married to my job, otherwise I’d probably kill myself!”
yustyoking 
Recent Comments