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Archive for November, 2020

Presidential Disclaimer

I never really knew Donald John Trump. I don’t know who that is. I mean, sure, he’s President of the United States and all that, but it’s not like he and I were ever friends. He has his people and I have my people. It’s not like I can tell you what he eats for breakfast. I can’t. Tell you. I have always kept any contact one step or two steps removed. At best. I try to avoid getting sucked into his social circle, you know? Not my kind of folks, a little too aggressive, a little too whiny, aggrieved and egocentric. Unpleasant, if you will.

“Little Donnie” I call him. That’s what I call him, “Little Donnie.” It’s kind of a pet name for someone who on many occasions seems to exhibit childlike behavior. There’s a certain amount of affection in the name, I suppose, but also aggravation. He disappoints me with his temper tantrums, his sulks, his bullying behavior and his boorish rule-breaking. Emotionally, he’s a bull in a china shop. At the end of his presidency, we find a playpen full of broken pottery.

He showed great promise when he was younger, but at the end of the day, he’s a disappointment. What did they say about Nixon? He was brilliant at turning victory into defeat. Little Donnie shows some of that tendency. He gets so wrapped up in the drama of the moment, he takes his eyes off the ball. He spends a lot of time hacking away in the sand traps of life.  Also, he exhibits very unethical attitudes.     

Like most people, I have made it a point in my life to steer well clear of indictable offenses. Life is too short and who wants to spend time in prison? Although the coronavirus has put most of us in self-imposed house arrest, I grant you. Not fun. Legal jeopardy, however, positively looms over DJ Trump like a sooty cloud of acid rain. I mean, there’s a dude with a snout like a pig who is involved in some very shady, controversial behavior. In other words, AVOID.

Remember the upstart who used to act out in the classroom in third grade? That’s Donnie. A drama queen, the more outrageous his behavior, the more his supporters love him. Reality TV writ large, there’s a lot of emotion on everyone’s sleeve. His is a pressure cooker world and El Trumpo keeps turning up the heat.

As you know, I have my contacts in the government. Washington is such a chatty town, you can hardly avoid meeting people, but unlike the demonstrators, I don’t spend a lot of time in Lafayette Square or crowding the White House fence. I don’t have time for that and I certainly don’t want to have my picture taken. Half of what I do is based on discretion. Why flush that down the toilet for a few minutes of gratuitous anger over Little Donnie’s latest shenanigans? If I’m going to be angry over the president or his administration, I do it at home. I don’t even give out information over the phone, so the last thing I am going to do is get in an argument in public. You end up like that high school kid who got ambushed by a native American, a self-described activist with bad teeth, banging on a drum. The kid wasn’t even doing anything, just hanging out with his high school class, and he got videoed, photographed and hung out to dry on social media. Don’t put yourself in situations that can generate bad karma.

I am active on Twitter, but I do it on my terms. Considering the volume of bile the president belches on Twitter, I am often inclined to become a follower of @realDonaldTrump. To get the full firehose effect of raw sewage, straight from the source. But once you join that world, I discovered, your Twitter feed gets bombarded by opinionated nutjobs with plenty of axes to grind. Who needs that? Ann Coulter and I share an adversarial Twitterverse, but Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnany are not individuals with whom I desire interaction, thank you very much!

It’s a funny business, having retired from the military and finding myself living a shadow existence. This is not where I would have put myself if queried even ten years ago. Mainly, my daily effort goes into taking care of my elderly mom. It’s the least a dutiful son can do. Flacking for a Swedish rap band, writing and all my other creative endeavors are the little pleasures that keep me from going totally bonkers. Sure, I daydream of a position in the Biden White House, but it’s not like I am lifting the phone or posting my résumé. We’ll have to see how the next few years play out. I figure that if Sebastian Gorka could get a job in the White House, anybody can.

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Morning in America

It’s Monday in America and Pfizer has announced testing a vaccine that appears to be more than 90% effective.

President-Elect Joseph R. Biden has also held a press conference outlining his plan to defeat the coronavirus responsible for Covid-19. Let’s unpack that a little:

The first myth blown to smithereens is that Joe Biden is senile. The oldest candidate ever elected president, this has been an on-going concern during the campaign. Donald John Trump fanned these flames by claiming that his opponent has secret health issues, just as he did with Hillary in 2016. A clever mode of attack, people are saying that this implies that he, too—Donald John Trump himself— has secret health issues. Who knows? The health issue ploy stinks to high heaven. The Joe Biden who spoke today from the rostrum, however, was definitely compos mentis and playing with a full deck.

The second myth gone to Dodoland is that Joe Biden can’t open his mouth without putting his foot therein. You know, I’ve been waiting since the debates for the caricature of a gaffe-prone Joe Biden to take center stage. Instead, he sounds just like everybody else. He seems to know what he wants to say. Pundits and political analysts point out that one of the reasons Trump had such difficulty trying to defeat Biden in debate was the fact that Joe seems to have his act together.

The third myth which I hope we can now retire is that either Bernie Sanders or nefarious AOC, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, is lurking behind the curtain, stage whispering Joe’s lines to him like a prompter in the theater. Joe is a big boy now and doesn’t need help from anyone to say his lines.

The fourth myth is that Joseph R. Biden is hostage to the left wing of his party, a coterie of wild-eyed, bomb-throwing socialists who will deprive red-blooded Americans of their last few freedoms. My crystal ball is a little cloudy regarding the month of February 2021, but so far Biden seems to be acting like a centrist president-elect who is concerned with representing all the people. A unifier, he may not serve juicy red meat in his speeches like his predecessor does, but it’s a breath of fresh air to have a chief executive focused on solving problems rather than creating them.

I am sympathetic to the Trump administration’s arguments regarding mail-in ballots. Without DNA testing, how are we to know that you are really… you know… YOU. For all anyone knows, you may be like that character in the Schwarzenegger movie, secretly a clone of yourself, in which case your mail-in ballot won’t count, since the original you– that other dude— showed up on Election Day in person and voted for the other guy.

The critics are already picking apart every facet of Biden’s plan. That is what they do. They get paid to do it. Fine. Mandatory mask-wearing, universal testing, everybody has an opinion. Everybody has concerns. We’ll hold that debate without anyone calling other people names.

What a relief!             

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One Bogus Hullabaloo

There are innumerable reasons to declare this election null and void! Firstly, it’s giving us a headache. That right there is a reason to cry “STOP THE COUNTING!” Secondly, it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Who needs this grief? No one. Fuhgeddaboudit! Like millions of Americans, I am doing just fine the way things are. As the great sage Hillel said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I?”

You are Donald John Trump, that’s what you are, Hillel! You are President of the United States!!! What did you think you were?

Since arguing with the ghost of Hillel rarely gets us anywhere, allow me to proceed:

Representative Jim Jordan (R, Ohio) appeared on Fox News to talk about his post-election experience. After spending four days eyeing the vote count in Pennsylvania, he reported several anomalies, peculiarities, injustices, code violations and general misbehavior among poll workers and election officials. His oral report sounded a little diffuse, however, kinda like a fishing expedition, as if he was just looking for stuff to complain about. Nothing could be further from the truth! Jim Jordan saw stuff!   

In an effort to formulate a more precise listing, I am writing now the various reasons I think this entire enterprise is well past its due date.

  1. Poll workers put cardboard on the windows so people couldn’t see in!!!!!!!!! I know Jim brought up this point, but it is well worth reiterating. If we don’t regulate the use of cardboard in this great country of ours, who knows where it will end? There is perfectly good plywood for boarding up windows. Let them use plywood like everybody else.
  2. They are counting millions of ballots. By hand! Just courting disaster. Just asking for it. As Shakespeare warned us regarding another subject entirely (he was apolitical for his time) “To err is human…” I can’t believe this antiquated system. Many locations aren’t even using an automated envelope opener. What good does it do to live in America, home of innovation, if we are going to plow our fields, open our mail and tabulate the vote by hand?
  3. Pennsylvania Secretary of State Kathy Boockvar reported that a man in Luzerne County forged the name of his deceased mother on an application for an absentee ballot. STOP THE COUNT! Voter fraud is like bedbugs, if we’ve uncovered one case, there must be millions! Millions! Quick, look under the mattress! As Lamont Cranston a k a The Shadow said, “Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?” Stop the presses.
  4. Gun-toting protesters were prohibited from entering the Maricopa County tabulation center in Phoenix, Arizona where the mail-in ballots are being processed. I’m no fancy-pansy constitutional lawyer, but it sure sounds to me like this is a clear violation of First Amendment, Second Amendment and, I don’t know, maybe 14th Amendment rights! This is just the sort of excessive use of force which we can expect under a Biden presidency! Sheriffs telling the people what they can and cannot do sure sounds puritanical to me!  To paraphrase ol’ Will Shakespeare, the Bard, “Cry havoc and let slip the protesters!”
  5. Traffic lights. At intersections all over this great country of ours, the Authorities have erected traffic lights, entirely without our permission. This is creeping authoritarianism in the flesh. What’s next, gun laws?

I could go on, but you are getting my point. When the electorate of a great nation practices the quadrennial ritual of going to the polls to cast their ballots, selecting their elected leaders, there are always going to be sour grapes among at least some of the losers.

The system is broken and we know who broke it, Il Duce, breaking with tradition, lying from beneath his toupee, misbehaving and creating the American carnage we are all trying to correct.

Even kicking and screaming, Trump’s supporters will be entering a new decade of “return to normal” politics in a land where everyone is created equal and justice shall prevail.

Quite the hullaballoo.

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Quicky Election Primer

I am writing fast because at any moment, Joe Biden may be declared the winner of the 2020 presidential election.

Meanwhile, people at every point of the political spectrum are both anxious and nervous about the pending outcome. This primer is a ray of gamma radiation… I’m sorry, I mean sunlight… into the murky depths now confronting us. Here’s the deal:

Legal vs Illegal Votes

President Trump wants LEGAL VOTES to be counted, but not ILLEGAL VOTES. “How can I tell them apart?” you may well ask, gazing into the middle distance, sweat beading your brow, your heart beating arrhythmically on your sleeve. Relax! It’s very simple. A vote for Donald J. Trump is a LEGAL VOTE. A vote for Joseph R. Biden is an ILLEGAL VOTE. You don’t need a calculator to do the math.

 It’s the same with the partisan demands being made by both sides to either cease and desist or to go forward. There are five states still up for grabs: Pennsylvania, Arizona, Nevada, Georgia and North Carolina. In states where Trump is ahead— if any such states remain— obviously it is time to “STOP THE COUNT” as Trump himself has tweeted. Trump is leading? Stop right there, pardner! In states where Biden is leading, COUNT EVERY VOTE characterizes the moment, especially overseas military ballots, since they tend to favor the Commander in Chief.

What’s not to like?

Observers

Since transparency is an issue, observers should be allowed to sit and watch as the votes are counted. Unfortunately, some individuals call themselves “election challengers.” This name sends entirely the wrong message. It’s embarrassing enough for poll workers to be doing something like tabulating ballots while a total stranger glares at their every move, without adding the pressure of challenging the electoral process. There’s a place for those challenges: outside on the sidewalk.

Should an observer be allowed to sit on the lap of someone tabulating the vote? That all depends on how cute the observer is. Is French kissing allowed between vote tallies? Once again, each situation is unique. There’s no accounting for taste, as one man’s dreamboat may be another man’s idea of nothing. I prefer blue-eyed blondes.

Women poll workers have the right to practice this same process of elimination. They may prefer tall, dark strangers.

In his Thursday press conference, President Trump claimed that some observers were kept so far from the action, they were forced to use binoculars. There’s a reason why these individuals are being kept at arm’s length. Use of a strong mouthwash and an even stronger deodorant could be a possible solution to this dilemma.

Creativity

So-called creative counting should be applied to the tabulation. For example, try tabulating the ballots in a bathroom stall. Graffiti on the wall saying “Trump is a poo-poo” signals a vote for Biden. Graffiti saying “Biden sucks” accompanied by a lewd drawing of male genitalia obviously indicates a vote for President Trump. Obviously.

Clutching a ballot to your chest, close your eyes and chant “Om” three times. This will immediately indicate the intention of the voter.

Anybody can read a ballot and feed it into a scanner. The true rock stars of vote tabulation are the people who can do so while reading— with a straight face— Triggered by Donald Trump Jr.

Use a black light to examine the ballot for grease stains, footprints and food residue.

Sniff the ink used to mark the ballot. You’d be surprised how many perfectly ordinary people use scented ink. Lilac-scented ballots, good. Chipotle-scented ballots, bad. Might be people from south of the border.     

Conclusion

These things can get tricky, but by not overthinking any eventual problems, we can all go home at the end of the day and collapse on the couch, total wrecks.

   

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DO NOT PARDON TRUMP

Once he is no longer president, Donald John Trump faces a number of legal hurdles. New York state prosecutors are investigating possible tax fraud. At the federal level, there is the emoluments clause, since foreign governments have spent lavishly at Trump’s hotel in Washington, DC and the Mar-a-Lago country club in Florida to gain access to the president. There is possible obstruction of justice regarding the Mueller investigation. Paying to acquire the silence of adult film star Stormy Daniels could be construed as a campaign finance violation. Every time Trump uses the White house for political and campaign events, he is forcing the staff to violate the Hatch Act, which says federal employees may not use their official positions for political purposes. And there is conspiracy to defraud the United States if the Trump administration knowingly sabotaged the U.S. Postal Service in order to screw up mail-in voting.

As president, Trump cannot be charged with a crime. When he is no longer president, however, a time of reckoning fast approaches.  

On Wednesday, January 20, 2021, Joseph R. Biden Jr. will be sworn in as America’s 46th president.

On Thursday, January 21, 2021, President Biden will announce that in order to begin the process of healing a divided nation, and after consulting his pastor, his family and seeking the guidance of Almighty God, he is pardoning Donald J. Trump of all crimes large and small.

Joe Biden is a simple man at heart, a good Christian and kind. All his life experiences point to pardoning his predecessor as the right thing to do. By showing Christian charity, Joe Biden expects that Trump supporters will appreciate this gesture of reconciliation and return the sentiment.

Trump, however, has damaged America, perhaps irreparably. The American people need closure. Pardoning President Trump will short-circuit that process, leaving an open wound.

Democrats are always doing this stupid stuff. All Biden needs to do is keep his trap shut, keep his nose out of the judicial process and let the prosecutors and the courts do their jobs.

Too easy. Never happen!

Three minutes after President Biden makes his announcement, Donald John Trump will tweet, “I am so happy to see that I was Totally Right and the Dems were Totally Wrong. This was all a HOAX and FAKE NEWS to begin with. I never did anything wrong. Faced with making Fools of Themselves, the Democrats have folded their tent and snuck away into the night.”

Trump’s supporters will give the Democratic president the middle finger and chant “Chickenshit president! No balls Biden! Ho ho ho!”

Senator U-Know-Who will go on national television and announce, “This is what we expected from the Democrats. After spending four years trying unsuccessfully to dismantle the Trump presidency, rather than let the president be vindicated in a court of law, President Biden has totally thrown in the towel.”

Liberals, minorities and fellow Democrats will be appalled and take to the streets in protest. To no avail.

The message is clear: Rich people get away with stuff. That has been the story of Donald J. Trump’s life. He wanted court records sealed? But of course, said the judge, no problem. Privacy trumps public interest every time when the defendant is a multi-millionaire.

Gee, who would have thought there would be such a negative reaction?  the Biden people will wonder. The first crisis of the Biden presidency, all the White House can do is hunker down and wait for the storm to pass.

Leaving a gaping crater where there should have been the beginning of a new America with equal justice for all.

    

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Lessons of the 2020 Election

These are not the lessons that the pundits will draw, but they should.

First and foremost, Red Staters are tribal. What does that mean? It means that they like to be part of a group. Growing up feeling inferior, they love getting together in large crowds at rallies where they experience strength in numbers. Being part of a movement gives them identity and the illusion of power. Dictators the world over and all through history have appealed to “the rabble” as their dedicated followers. Today, that word has a derogatory meaning, but originally it referred to the common people, the common man. A rabble-rouser was not necessarily a bad thing, it meant a leader had the common touch and could inflame passion.

Americans don’t care about, intensely dislike and don’t want educated leaders. In fact, they deeply resent all these Democratic Party candidates who graduated from Harvard. Unable to go there, Red Staters see it as a snooty, East Coast elite institution totally out of step with them, the common man.

“The campaign” is a 24/7 event 365 days a year. While the Democrats sleep between elections, the Republican Party is actively recruiting all the time. The result is that the Republicans own the state houses, the governorships and the counties in an enormous swath of the country. They set the state laws, they gerrymander the voting districts and they rule. Wake up, Democrats! If you want to be players, you have to get to work. Otherwise, you’ll continue to play second fiddle.

Stop putting a stooge as head of the Democratic National Committee. The Democrats “elect” their party leader from among the party faithful. Invariably, he is a hail fellow, well met individual who does a poor job. He does such a mediocre job, the party basically ignores him during the election. The DNC could be a powerhouse that wields real clout in American politics, but not if it continues to be an envelope-stuffing entity endlessly spouting the party platform.

With a sharp political operative as head of the DNC and 24/7 activity every day of the year, the Democratic Party can transform itself into what it was up until 1980, the party of the working man.

The Democrats have dollar signs for eyeballs. This must stop. Stop asking for money! Stop thinking in terms of money.  Volunteers are perfectly willing to work for free. Their enthusiasm is contagious. A grassroots movement of engaged, caring individuals can transform a community! That’s what the Trump supporters have discovered. This fixation on money, which began in the Clinton administration, has isolated the Democratic Party. The party leadership sees people as donors and voters.  Otherwise, they have no time nor interest in the electorate. “Send us your money, give us your vote,” doesn’t cut it anymore, if it ever did. You get Democrats bragging about their candidate’s fundraising. This is dick measuring writ large. Stacey Abrams raised so much money! We are told that Jaime Harrison raised and spent more money on his senatorial campaign in South Carolina than any other candidate in history! As if that is a meaningful benchmark. The man lost, for God’s sake! Fundraising and buying ads are functions of a campaign, but winning the election should be the only benchmark. “We lost, but look at how much money we raised!” is nothing to brag about.

Trump is a despot in the making, but he is also a whiny, scared, childish man. For all his tweet storms, he can be handled with a firm hand. Once out of the White House, his legal predicament is so precarious, it is almost certain that he will be forced to move abroad. To a country that has no extradition treaty with the U.S.   

Forget about Trump’s fantasies regarding the law. It is not his personal plaything, nor whatever he and his team of lawyers say it is. Don’t argue with the man, just ignore his rages. Everyone is equal under the law except the president and the vice president. Trump— despite his fantasies— will not be president forever.    

Trump supporters can be weaned off one dictatorial strongman for another. The Democratic Party should reach out to them. Parades, rallies and red meat rhetoric appeal to them. They are more accessible than you might think. It will take work and engagement in the hinterlands, but if the Democratic Party provides services and honest, caring leadership, they can win back rural America.

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