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Posts tagged ‘Kayleigh McEnany’

Presidential Disclaimer

I never really knew Donald John Trump. I don’t know who that is. I mean, sure, he’s President of the United States and all that, but it’s not like he and I were ever friends. He has his people and I have my people. It’s not like I can tell you what he eats for breakfast. I can’t. Tell you. I have always kept any contact one step or two steps removed. At best. I try to avoid getting sucked into his social circle, you know? Not my kind of folks, a little too aggressive, a little too whiny, aggrieved and egocentric. Unpleasant, if you will.

“Little Donnie” I call him. That’s what I call him, “Little Donnie.” It’s kind of a pet name for someone who on many occasions seems to exhibit childlike behavior. There’s a certain amount of affection in the name, I suppose, but also aggravation. He disappoints me with his temper tantrums, his sulks, his bullying behavior and his boorish rule-breaking. Emotionally, he’s a bull in a china shop. At the end of his presidency, we find a playpen full of broken pottery.

He showed great promise when he was younger, but at the end of the day, he’s a disappointment. What did they say about Nixon? He was brilliant at turning victory into defeat. Little Donnie shows some of that tendency. He gets so wrapped up in the drama of the moment, he takes his eyes off the ball. He spends a lot of time hacking away in the sand traps of life.  Also, he exhibits very unethical attitudes.     

Like most people, I have made it a point in my life to steer well clear of indictable offenses. Life is too short and who wants to spend time in prison? Although the coronavirus has put most of us in self-imposed house arrest, I grant you. Not fun. Legal jeopardy, however, positively looms over DJ Trump like a sooty cloud of acid rain. I mean, there’s a dude with a snout like a pig who is involved in some very shady, controversial behavior. In other words, AVOID.

Remember the upstart who used to act out in the classroom in third grade? That’s Donnie. A drama queen, the more outrageous his behavior, the more his supporters love him. Reality TV writ large, there’s a lot of emotion on everyone’s sleeve. His is a pressure cooker world and El Trumpo keeps turning up the heat.

As you know, I have my contacts in the government. Washington is such a chatty town, you can hardly avoid meeting people, but unlike the demonstrators, I don’t spend a lot of time in Lafayette Square or crowding the White House fence. I don’t have time for that and I certainly don’t want to have my picture taken. Half of what I do is based on discretion. Why flush that down the toilet for a few minutes of gratuitous anger over Little Donnie’s latest shenanigans? If I’m going to be angry over the president or his administration, I do it at home. I don’t even give out information over the phone, so the last thing I am going to do is get in an argument in public. You end up like that high school kid who got ambushed by a native American, a self-described activist with bad teeth, banging on a drum. The kid wasn’t even doing anything, just hanging out with his high school class, and he got videoed, photographed and hung out to dry on social media. Don’t put yourself in situations that can generate bad karma.

I am active on Twitter, but I do it on my terms. Considering the volume of bile the president belches on Twitter, I am often inclined to become a follower of @realDonaldTrump. To get the full firehose effect of raw sewage, straight from the source. But once you join that world, I discovered, your Twitter feed gets bombarded by opinionated nutjobs with plenty of axes to grind. Who needs that? Ann Coulter and I share an adversarial Twitterverse, but Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnany are not individuals with whom I desire interaction, thank you very much!

It’s a funny business, having retired from the military and finding myself living a shadow existence. This is not where I would have put myself if queried even ten years ago. Mainly, my daily effort goes into taking care of my elderly mom. It’s the least a dutiful son can do. Flacking for a Swedish rap band, writing and all my other creative endeavors are the little pleasures that keep me from going totally bonkers. Sure, I daydream of a position in the Biden White House, but it’s not like I am lifting the phone or posting my résumé. We’ll have to see how the next few years play out. I figure that if Sebastian Gorka could get a job in the White House, anybody can.

Florid-19

From our correspondent

This whole pandemic thing is a joax! That’s halfway between a joke and a hoax. There ain’t no such aminal as Rosie Corona, somebody just took that name from Paul Simon’s “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard.”

Donald Trump is the King of Queens. Think about it. He’s king and he’s from Queens.

This whole pandemic thing is just the Deep State using the mainblame media to defeat Donald Grump’s reelection chances. It’s so obvious! 127,621 deaths my ass! WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?! See, see! Name 356 of them, I dare you! I want a list of the names, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, credit card numbers, the name as listed on the card and the nifty little three-digit security code on the back of each card. Then MAYBE I’ll consider the possibility, but you know, it’s all overblown and exaggerated anyway.

I mean, you don’t REALLY believe PARIS, FRANCE was in lockdown, do you? Come on! I know of at least one brew pub on Rue d’Alsace that would never close down. They stayed open during the Nazi occupation, you really think they’d close for some microscopic microbe? Mosby’s Raiders never cancelled a raid because of some microscopic microbe!

I have been abducted by aliens from another planet. They won’t tell me which, but I keep asking. Currently we are en route over the continental United States traveling from one hot spot to another, mostly in the south and southwest, which also just so happens to be where the corona 19 virus is playing havoc. Many of these states have Republican governors, but you don’t see me linking THE FACT THAT THERE’S A REBUPLICAN GOVERNOR and the, you know, PAMDENIC. Perublican governors. And many of them are good people.

And what about JOE BIDEN???  I don’t see him leading the charge up San Juan Hill. Hunkered down in his underground bunker like, you know, Hetlir and Goebbels and Hiutler’s dog Blondi, a really good dog, but the cyanide got him in the end as it does us all. The cyanide of life, so to speak. When life gives you bitter almonds, suspect cyanide. Biden should be leading this country! Holy shite, what am I saying??? What I mean is, just look at what it would look like if Joe Biden had been president since last January! Just think about it. Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State (again!), Ben Ghazzi as coronavirus czar, Hunter Biden as Secretary of the Treasury and presidential advisor Ivanka Trump as a holdover from the previous administration. I mean, just think about that. I’d be quaking in my undies if I was a microscopic microbe, I can assure you.

Anybody would.

Well, we’re flying over the state of Florida and things don’t look so hot. Oh, wait, now we’re zooming in on the telescreen, and yes, there it is, A PEDESTRIAN WEARING A FACE MASK! See! Lookee there! You seen one, you seen ‘em all. High marks to Governor DeSantis! Way to go, Ron Ron!

Will this op-ed change the course of history? Of course it will! I have bribed a White House cleaning lady to slip a copy into the President’s Daily Brief, the top security PDB that lands on his desk every morning. Although Conchita warns me that I may have wasted my $20, since the president doesn’t always read the darn thing. Damn!

Confederate symbols must be maintained! You can’t defeat a pandemic by tearing down statues! People paid good money to build those memorials. Respect of property is a backbone of capitalism. What do you have otherwise? Anarchy. Leftwing, socialist thugs. Carnage. Oh wait, not carnage, that’s one of Trump’s favorite words. And some of those Confederate generals were good people.

So someone in a golf cart shouted “white powder!” on a video. Big deal! White powder is a skiing term referring to freshly fallen snow. White powder = ideal skiing conditions.

You complain that these salutes to our Confederate past are “a legacy of white domination.” Well, hold on! Under what circumstances would this be all right? I mean, I hope we’re talking a porcelain-skinned, stocky blond dominatrix with piercing blue eyes, dressed in high heels and black leather, carrying a whip and swatting the air with a brown leather riding crop. Dominate me, you bitch!!!

Listen, I liked El Trumpo’s July 4th speech. When Trump says the coronavirus will just disappear, people, he’s being sarcastic! Cripes! Don’t you get it? HE’S JOKING!!! Disappear, disappear. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It’s a joke! Get a sense of humor, White House press corps! Jeez sleaze.

I am not White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, it is not my job to defend the president’s racially insensitive outbursts. I just suspect that sometimes the prez— just like the rest of us—occasionally has a bad day. He tweets stuff in order to vent. To get things off his chest. To put stuff behind him. Nixon had his Dictabelt machine. Trump has Twitter. Same difference.

Spread love! This country will be a better place for it. Paying for love is, unfortunately, also a reality, but the unpaid kind is a lot better.

Peace!

Stärker Daniel, Sollentuna