yustyoking

Florid-19

From our correspondent

This whole pandemic thing is a joax! That’s halfway between a joke and a hoax. There ain’t no such aminal as Rosie Corona, somebody just took that name from Paul Simon’s “Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard.”

Donald Trump is the King of Queens. Think about it. He’s king and he’s from Queens.

This whole pandemic thing is just the Deep State using the mainblame media to defeat Donald Grump’s reelection chances. It’s so obvious! 127,621 deaths my ass! WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?! See, see! Name 356 of them, I dare you! I want a list of the names, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, credit card numbers, the name as listed on the card and the nifty little three-digit security code on the back of each card. Then MAYBE I’ll consider the possibility, but you know, it’s all overblown and exaggerated anyway.

I mean, you don’t REALLY believe PARIS, FRANCE was in lockdown, do you? Come on! I know of at least one brew pub on Rue d’Alsace that would never close down. They stayed open during the Nazi occupation, you really think they’d close for some microscopic microbe? Mosby’s Raiders never cancelled a raid because of some microscopic microbe!

I have been abducted by aliens from another planet. They won’t tell me which, but I keep asking. Currently we are en route over the continental United States traveling from one hot spot to another, mostly in the south and southwest, which also just so happens to be where the corona 19 virus is playing havoc. Many of these states have Republican governors, but you don’t see me linking THE FACT THAT THERE’S A REBUPLICAN GOVERNOR and the, you know, PAMDENIC. Perublican governors. And many of them are good people.

And what about JOE BIDEN???  I don’t see him leading the charge up San Juan Hill. Hunkered down in his underground bunker like, you know, Hetlir and Goebbels and Hiutler’s dog Blondi, a really good dog, but the cyanide got him in the end as it does us all. The cyanide of life, so to speak. When life gives you bitter almonds, suspect cyanide. Biden should be leading this country! Holy shite, what am I saying??? What I mean is, just look at what it would look like if Joe Biden had been president since last January! Just think about it. Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State (again!), Ben Ghazzi as coronavirus czar, Hunter Biden as Secretary of the Treasury and presidential advisor Ivanka Trump as a holdover from the previous administration. I mean, just think about that. I’d be quaking in my undies if I was a microscopic microbe, I can assure you.

Anybody would.

Well, we’re flying over the state of Florida and things don’t look so hot. Oh, wait, now we’re zooming in on the telescreen, and yes, there it is, A PEDESTRIAN WEARING A FACE MASK! See! Lookee there! You seen one, you seen ‘em all. High marks to Governor DeSantis! Way to go, Ron Ron!

Will this op-ed change the course of history? Of course it will! I have bribed a White House cleaning lady to slip a copy into the President’s Daily Brief, the top security PDB that lands on his desk every morning. Although Conchita warns me that I may have wasted my $20, since the president doesn’t always read the darn thing. Damn!

Confederate symbols must be maintained! You can’t defeat a pandemic by tearing down statues! People paid good money to build those memorials. Respect of property is a backbone of capitalism. What do you have otherwise? Anarchy. Leftwing, socialist thugs. Carnage. Oh wait, not carnage, that’s one of Trump’s favorite words. And some of those Confederate generals were good people.

So someone in a golf cart shouted “white powder!” on a video. Big deal! White powder is a skiing term referring to freshly fallen snow. White powder = ideal skiing conditions.

You complain that these salutes to our Confederate past are “a legacy of white domination.” Well, hold on! Under what circumstances would this be all right? I mean, I hope we’re talking a porcelain-skinned, stocky blond dominatrix with piercing blue eyes, dressed in high heels and black leather, carrying a whip and swatting the air with a brown leather riding crop. Dominate me, you bitch!!!

Listen, I liked El Trumpo’s July 4^th speech. When Trump says the coronavirus will just disappear, people, he’s being sarcastic! Cripes! Don’t you get it? HE’S JOKING!!! Disappear, disappear. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It’s a joke! Get a sense of humor, White House press corps! Jeez sleaze.

I am not White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, it is not my job to defend the president’s racially insensitive outbursts. I just suspect that sometimes the prez— just like the rest of us—occasionally has a bad day. He tweets stuff in order to vent. To get things off his chest. To put stuff behind him. Nixon had his Dictabelt machine. Trump has Twitter. Same difference.

Spread love! This country will be a better place for it. Paying for love is, unfortunately, also a reality, but the unpaid kind is a lot better.

Peace!

Stärker Daniel, Sollentuna