yustyoking

Quicky Election Primer

I am writing fast because at any moment, Joe Biden may be declared the winner of the 2020 presidential election.

Meanwhile, people at every point of the political spectrum are both anxious and nervous about the pending outcome. This primer is a ray of gamma radiation… I’m sorry, I mean sunlight… into the murky depths now confronting us. Here’s the deal:

Legal vs Illegal Votes

President Trump wants LEGAL VOTES to be counted, but not ILLEGAL VOTES. “How can I tell them apart?” you may well ask, gazing into the middle distance, sweat beading your brow, your heart beating arrhythmically on your sleeve. Relax! It’s very simple. A vote for Donald J. Trump is a LEGAL VOTE. A vote for Joseph R. Biden is an ILLEGAL VOTE. You don’t need a calculator to do the math.

 It’s the same with the partisan demands being made by both sides to either cease and desist or to go forward. There are five states still up for grabs: Pennsylvania, Arizona, Nevada, Georgia and North Carolina. In states where Trump is ahead— if any such states remain— obviously it is time to “STOP THE COUNT” as Trump himself has tweeted. Trump is leading? Stop right there, pardner! In states where Biden is leading, COUNT EVERY VOTE characterizes the moment, especially overseas military ballots, since they tend to favor the Commander in Chief.

What’s not to like?

Observers

Since transparency is an issue, observers should be allowed to sit and watch as the votes are counted. Unfortunately, some individuals call themselves “election challengers.” This name sends entirely the wrong message. It’s embarrassing enough for poll workers to be doing something like tabulating ballots while a total stranger glares at their every move, without adding the pressure of challenging the electoral process. There’s a place for those challenges: outside on the sidewalk.

Should an observer be allowed to sit on the lap of someone tabulating the vote? That all depends on how cute the observer is. Is French kissing allowed between vote tallies? Once again, each situation is unique. There’s no accounting for taste, as one man’s dreamboat may be another man’s idea of nothing. I prefer blue-eyed blondes.

Women poll workers have the right to practice this same process of elimination. They may prefer tall, dark strangers.

In his Thursday press conference, President Trump claimed that some observers were kept so far from the action, they were forced to use binoculars. There’s a reason why these individuals are being kept at arm’s length. Use of a strong mouthwash and an even stronger deodorant could be a possible solution to this dilemma.

Creativity

So-called creative counting should be applied to the tabulation. For example, try tabulating the ballots in a bathroom stall. Graffiti on the wall saying “Trump is a poo-poo” signals a vote for Biden. Graffiti saying “Biden sucks” accompanied by a lewd drawing of male genitalia obviously indicates a vote for President Trump. Obviously.

Clutching a ballot to your chest, close your eyes and chant “Om” three times. This will immediately indicate the intention of the voter.

Anybody can read a ballot and feed it into a scanner. The true rock stars of vote tabulation are the people who can do so while reading— with a straight face— Triggered by Donald Trump Jr.

Use a black light to examine the ballot for grease stains, footprints and food residue.

Sniff the ink used to mark the ballot. You’d be surprised how many perfectly ordinary people use scented ink. Lilac-scented ballots, good. Chipotle-scented ballots, bad. Might be people from south of the border.     

Conclusion

These things can get tricky, but by not overthinking any eventual problems, we can all go home at the end of the day and collapse on the couch, total wrecks.