yustyoking

“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you…” – The Rolling Stones

As Yard Sign Inspector for the Township of Oxburg, Maryland, I hereby post the Rules & Regulations regarding visual aids disseminating political content leading up to the Tuesday, April 26 Primary in Maryland.

Point 1. My qualifications: As people are complaining that I make up the Rules and Regulations arbitrarily, let me state that (a) in order to silence my usual grousing, the Town Council has appointed me to this menial task, taking up virtually all my time, (b) I have checked the regulations in adjoining municipalities for guidance and (c) I was the Visibility Coordinator (a k a “Yard Sign Guy”) in 2011 for the Anna Bola campaign for Attorney General of Maryland, hammering yard signs into Oxburg’s rock-hard, gravely soil. Listen, I must be qualified, Anna won!  [See my blog posts from that period for details.]

Point 2. The following formats of commercially printed yard signs may be posted: The standard 18″ X 24″ cardboard, plastic foil or fiberboard yard sign. Even 22″ X 28″ and supersize 24″ X 48″ are allowed. (C’mon, people, that last one is a two foot by four foot monster!)

Point 3. Ya would think that wildly liberal Oxburg would allow handmade signs. Unfortunately, when we did this in 2012, Town Council Chairman Johnny J. Johnson fumed that “this entire burg looks like a goddam art installation!”  Therefore, this year, only commercially printed signage will be acceptable. Sorry.

Point 4. This primary is going to be hu-u-u-uge.

Point 5. For some inexplicable reason, all Donald Trump yard signs will end up in the town incinerator.

Point 6. All signs must be on wire frames and pushed securely into the earth.

Point 7. “Mad Max: Fury Road” shoulda won Best Picture.

Point 8. Chris Christie is running for vice president on the Trump-Christie ticket.

Point 9. On private lawns, signs may be posted anywhere the homeowner deems appropriate.

Point 10. “The people who talk about stopping Trump are smoking something,” insists Fred Malek, finance chairman of the Republican Governors Association.

Point 11. Why don’t the candidates discuss the truly thorny issues, stuff like Norwegian Air Shuttle wanting to fly domestic routes inside the USA?!

Point 12. Prior to the primary, signs may be posted on public thoroughfares on median strips and open areas, but only as long as they do not impede or hide approaching traffic.

Point 13. Bernie Sanders did great presenting his platform on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, but every time he goes on Meet the Press with Chuck Todd, Bernie goes into a defensive crouch, sounding like any other shifty politico. Now that he’s clean-shaven, why doesn’t he ever talk about his military career or his recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken? Just asking.

Point 14. The Ku Klux Klan will be allowed to demonstrate in Oxburg, but only if it is done tastefully.

Point 15. No political signage may be closer to a polling station— school, library, church or public building—  than 20 feet.

Point 16. All signage on public and private land must be removed within three (3) days following the April 26 primary.

Point 17. Any signage that violates the stated Rules & Regulations will be taken down and disposed of. Believe me, there’s plenty of room in the town incinerator, folks!

Point 18. Am I a little dictator whose position has gone to his head? Is The Donald the greatest thing since sliced bread? Did Iceland’s economy tank? Is Hillary one peculiar candidate? U tell me!

– Kevin Feingold, Yard Sign Inspector for Oxburg, Maryland