Now what brings me here— to Golden, Colorado of all places— for a campaign speech? Shazam! Air Force One brings me here! That mother costs $179,750 an hour to operate, but… guess what? When you’re president and you have a national debt of 15 trillion dollars, who cares?!
I am NOT a profligate spender, but the American people want to meet their leader! I am obligated to crisscross the country holding campaign rallies. I do not shrink from this responsibility, I welcome it!
We’re here at the Coors Brewery. My forebears weren’t German, but I heard that if we tour the plant, afterwards, they’ll serve us free brewski in the “fresh beer room.” If you ask for “clear beer,” they’ll serve you pure mountain spring water. I also want to buy T-shirts for Sasha and Masha in the gift shop. School kids love T-shirts, the more outrageous, the better!
My staff and I are also here to highlight the wildfires currently taking place in Colorado. Eighty-six square miles of mountain forest, 181 homes gone up in smoke. We know how it feels, folks! This campaign is wild. I’m on fire!
If you can’t stand the heat, go fan yourself under the A/C vent!
Finally, why Colorado? Obviously, because it is next to New Mexico!
If you’ve read my deeply stirring personal narrative, Who Yo’ Daddy?, you know that I was born in the vestibule of a hot air balloon over the Sacramento Mountains of New Mexico. It clearly states on my birth certificate, “Elephant Butte Reservoir,” since it was over that particular section of the mountain range the balloonists think I might first have come into this world. My mama knew her water could break at any time, but her college prankster roomies insisted on blindfolding and spiriting her away on a hot-air balloon ride. As a birthday present.
These things happen.
Let me just clear up this whole question about El Paso, Texas and Juarez, Mexico!
The balloon expedition started off in El Paso, intending to head north. As any balloonist can tell you, basically you are at the mercy of the winds. Did they drift over Juarez, where the hot Mexican breezes lifted their aircraft to new heights, the trade winds grabbed them and scooted them back up north? Yes, and a thousand times yes! I wasn’t born in Mexico! ¡Yo quiero Estados Unidos de América!
See, I speak Spanish. And I’m not even Mormon!
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I grew up in Denver. At 5,280 feet or a mile above sea level, the air is thin. You learn to navigate despite the constant dizziness, I can assure you.
This training has stood me in good stead for my time in the White House, where the atmosphere can seem pretty thin at times. Not a whole lot of air, if you catch my drift. Too many Republicans using up all the oxygen in the room!
Thank God for the lobbyists and super PACs! As I always say, the next best thing to a blood transfusion is a cash transfusion! We make a fuss about the little guys contributing bupkis on the Internet, but that’s just for show. The real money comes from where it always has: Industry!
Oil drilling off the coast of Virginia. The Keystone XL pipeline bifurcating Nebraska. America runs on oil, people!
Lockheed Martin. Boeing. Sikorsky. Those military aircraft don’t build themselves, y’know!
Let’s give a shout-out for Tom Cruise, Penélope Cruz, shipboard cruising and cruise missiles. Long live the Predator, and not just in the movies!
Hey, Axl! My Chief of Staff. Who writes this stuff?
We don’t have that kind of industry here in Colorado, but our intellectual property is right up there alongside Silicon Valley. Why, we got the Sundance Film Festival ! Of course, it’s in Park City, Utah, but… same difference! Those kiss-off’kas in Venice don’t have a Sundance film festival, I can assure you!
Venice, California, my ass!
But don’t let me seem divisive. Let us focus on the issues that unite us!
We have to kick-start some life into the economy. Prime the carburetor, pop the choke, pull the ripcord and make that mower go! That’s me, “Start ‘em up Blackie Diamond” ! My opponent— Mr. white guy Mick Rodney— can’t say that! His only experience is buying and selling companies for 20 years, turning around businesses, creating and promoting wealth.
Ha! How namby-pamby!
Has he ever given a speech that stirred millions?
No!
Has he ever stood on the steps of the Capitol and taken the presidential Oath of Office?
No!
Has he ever stood before both branches of Congress and given a State of the Union address?
Never!
So you see, the man is totally unqualified to be president! He hasn’t honed any of the essential fundamentals: Talking with your head thrown back. Climbing the embarkation ramp of Air Force One. Looking into the eyes of Dmitry Medvedev and seeing his soul!
Been there, done that.
‘Nuff said.
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It’s an election year. Your campaign contributions are important to us. If you notice product placement in this speech, we haven’t been subtle enough.
Allow me to thank the TelePrompTer Corporation for servicing us on such short notice, when we suffered equipment failure. Traipsing around the country puts a lot of wear and tear on all of us.
I can’t find the men’s room without a teleprompter.
Also, thank you, Old Navy, for coming to my wife’s aid when she experienced a wardrobe malfunction. I’ve seen her breasts. No biggies.
Thank God there are all these retro cable TV shows glamorizing smoking! I need all the help I can get.
Congratulate me! The other day, I played my 100th round of golf as president! I’m no Titleist, but I feel it was a Top-Flite achievement, TaylorMade for my wife’s crusade against child obesity.
I also sip Knob Creek Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey to protest the war in Sudan and the shelling in Syria.
I think it was Calvin Coolidge who once said, “The chief business of the American people is business.” Personally, I like him better as “Silent Cal.”
But that ain’t me!
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So let’s get down to brass tacks!
The whole recall thing between Republican governor Sidney McCormick and Democratic challenger Wesley Magnet. I could say, “Gee, I was too busy to visit Wisconsin.” Well, dissembling ain’t my way! I didn’t go, because it was a lose-lose situation: If I went and supported Magnet, and Magnet lost, everyone would say, “See, Blackie Diamond is the Kiss of Death, a Natural Born Loser!” If, on the other hand, Wesley won, the pundits and commentators would have said, “There’s Blackie Diamond throwing his weight around, meddling in state affairs that are none of his business!”
So, I did what I felt was best and played possum.
As for that newspaper headline, “Diamond embraces gay supporters,” I wish to clarify that our fellowship was in spirit, not in the men’s room.
Now for the big stink! My statement, “It’s very clear that private-sector jobs are doing just fine.”
Nobody is happy with the economy, least of all me! My point is, in times of austerity, since we must choose where to put our limited resources, mercifully the private sector is holding its own!
I’ll never be able to satisfy 90-year-old FDR Democrats who wanted the federal government in 2009 to create alphabet soup agencies and make-work programs like in the 1930’s. That’s not my way. I bailed out the economic institutions which I feel are the bedrock of American industry, both on Wall Street and in the auto industry. The turnarounds were successful. The companies survived. They also paid back their TARP loans. Unfortunately, the employment rate and the national economy still lag behind the growth levels reflected on the stock market. It may take ten years for a full recovery. ALL I CAN SAY IS, the seeds are firmly planted.
Marginal progress is being made in the black community and on Main Street.
This country can do anything we set our minds to. We put a man on the moon. Jane Fonda is still making movies!
Our rocket is poised on the pad. We may not have lift-off tomorrow, but I believe it’s gonna happen.
I dare to hope!
I know the middle class is suffering. Here’s a tip from the extensive fundraisers I have attended in the run-up to this election: Try the quiche.
Ever since I made that gaffe about the private sector, every news service photo of me frowning has been unearthed from the archives and flashed on a screen somewhere! Maybe it’s a victory for Marshall McLuhan’s global village, but I feel bruised.
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Since I am over six feet tall, I get to lord it over people.
I am Commander In Chief. I LOVE being Commander In Chief!
I’m not Richard Nixon, I don’t walk around the White House talking to the portraits on the walls. I do, however, give a little wink to any pictures of George Washington. Commander of the Continental Army, first president, it is thanks to him that a civilian like myself gets to play top dog! You’ve seen the photos! I travel the world and American soldiers at bases everywhere adore me. So I must be doing something right!
Foreign policy: The Pakistanis have lost patience with America’s tendency to lose patience with the Pakistanis, who never do anything about clearing out the Taliban sanctuaries, other than losing patience.
Dudes, lose the sanctuaries!
Must I drone on about this? Hint, hint!
So! Domestic politics: Did I pander when— overnight— I suddenly reversed government policy and decided NOT to deport all illegal Hispanic college graduates in the Class of 2012? No and Hell no!
It’s the right thing to do!
Let ‘em have a few months off! They deserve a vacation, just like everyone else! There’ll be plenty of time in December and January to deport them!
Now, if I said I liked the brown man— that would be a clear case of pandering. This little transaction is wholly other than that! Here we are horse-trading “time off for good behavior” against votes in November. A fair trade, an honest trade. Nothing more, nothing less.
“You vote for me, amigos, I don’t kick your kids out of the country!” At least not until after the election.
It ain’t perfect, but it is what it is!
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The audacity of the pundits to claim I don’t have a plan for the economy. Hello-o! Didn’t you hear my hour-long speech in Ohio? Audacity is my department! The audacity of hope. The audacity to believe. “Yes, we can!”
Leave the audacity to me, brothers!
Don’t listen to the naysayers, who claim this is a leaderless, rudderless presidency. During the first three years of my administration, the number of instances of child pornography on the Internet has sunk dramatically!
Vandalization of public telephones has been all but eliminated… together with public telephones.
The children of this great nation of ours have received the maximum allotment of snow days!
The sale of medical marijuana has quadrupled.
The Arab Spring has made way for the JC Penney Summer Sale!
Weejuns are out, sandals are in.
The internment of Japanese-Americans is but a memory.
I don’t know what yardstick others are using, but I see real progress being made in at least a seventh of this great country of ours!
Meanwhile, people can’t get enough of E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey.” In a time of sinking aspirations, any stimulus to the erogenous zone appears beneficial.
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A tribute to the wife is always in order! Let me congratulate mine on the new book she’s written, Growing Organically. That’s a great book! We believe in growing green. Composting. Using night soil— which we city boys used to call “turds.” Same thing!
Planting a kitchen garden is easier than you think!
You separate out the seeds and stems and plant them, aerating the soil extensively as you go. Water thoroughly. How green is our kitchen garden? Very! Green, weed, Mary Jane, cannabis, pot. By any other name, that organic product remains equally sweet!
You’ve heard of hash browns. Our recipe calls for using real hash.
Grow them gardens! May your green thumb thrive! We may not be able to righten the economy, but given enough organics, we can render ourselves unwilling to sweat the small stuff. And I mean that in a good way!
As for the snakeheads, well, if we learned to eat catfish, we can learn to eat anything!
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Did I send Harvey Kaufman to Vietnam to sign a “peace treaty for perpetuity” with the Vietnamese? Let’s do that Q & A in December, just in case it becomes a hot campaign issue. Thanks!
The euro is down the toilet. So is Bashar al-Assad. What to do? Live organically!
Country singer Ted Barf says that if I am reelected, he’ll either be in jail or dead. Ted, I know how you feel! Every time you come out with a new album, I’m ready to barf!
The good news is, neither of us has yet left the country!
Is this nation big enough for two performers with outsized egos?
Maybe.
The pundits say I can’t win reelection as long as our economy remains on the skids. They say the economy can’t rebound, unless the Europeans pull out of their economic nosedive.
Nothing could be farther from the truth! Listen to me, my fellow Americans!
Elections aren’t won and lost over an adding machine! They’re decided by the decent people of this country, voting for a do-gooder president who only feels compassion for you and wishes you the very best!!!
America’s got talent!
America is exceptional!
What did Churchill say? “Democracy is the worst form of government, excepting all others.” Since nobody speaks Churchillian English anymore, let me translate that: Democracy has its flaws, but other ideologies suck even more!
Hi, kids! Mr. Winston Churchill was a rotund, funny sort of man who smoked a cigar and led Great Britain through a four-year military struggle called The Second World War. Sometimes, when we politicians are trying to establish our place in history, we quote Mr. Churchill.
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If you want a president who stirs the hearts and minds of the electorate, vote for me!
If you want a businessman for president, that’s the other guy.
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For those of you who missed any part of this speech, I’m sure it’ll be on YouTube. Or visit our website, http://www.MyWhiteHouseMeMeMine.org
In addition, I have another 125 speeches scheduled between now and Election Day.
My rod and my staff, they comfort me.
Thank you for your attention! We just killed another hour and a half on the campaign trail. Credit goes to Mr. Farnham, my seventh grade Public Speaking teacher at Woodbridge Junior High School in Denver.
Hi, Mr. Farnham!
God bless!
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– from the upcoming novel
yustyoking 
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