President Whosis: Gaga 4 Obama?
Political Satire by Kevin Feingold
Part Four
President Whosis?
Campaigning in America
Wake up time, Mr. P!
Oh, Mama!
***
From the desk of Kevin Feingold
President Whosis?
Our phone rings and a young black man named Jim asks to speak to Rose Feingold. Naturally, I ask him what it’s about. He explains it is the President Diamond Reelection Campaign calling about a donation and this call is being recorded for quality assurance. “Mr. Feingold?” he asks.
It takes me a moment to gather my thoughts. I’m still focused on the recorded nature of our conversation. “So this talk gonna be on the record,” I suggest heartily.
“Yes, that’s right,” says Jim, not aware what is about to happen.
“Well, I gonna tell you, son,” I let loose, transitioning instantly into my Angry Black Man mode. “Da black community is mightily disappointed in our situation! We think wid a black man inna White House, maybe things gonna improve maybe jus’ a li’l fo’ da BLACK COMMUNITY. But da ain’t no jobs! Dat man inna White House, he ain’t black enough fo’ us! He don’ act black, he didn’ grow up black. We sufferin’ an’ he don’t seem to be payin’ us no mind!
“I’m glad dis bein’ recorded” I insist. “You play dis fo’ yo’ supervisor an’ maybe even the president! I want him to know dat what we got here is an i-den-ti-ty crisis! We Democrats, we always been Democrats! That man don’t act like no Democrat! When the country get in trouble, we expecting an FDR-type program that would create jobs! We got bridges and roads that are falling apart. We got an electrical system dat black out inna hurricane! There be plenty work for people not afraid to raise a sweat! Plenty of people available to work, too! But instead of a Works Program, the president bail out the banks! Dat da Republican philosophy, dat not a Democratic philosophy! What he think gonna happen, da money gonna trickle down to us little folk?”
“I hear you,” Jim assures me. “I hear a lot of this complaint from liberals and progressives. They’re disappointed that the president hasn’t been able to do more. At the same time, conservatives are ragging on him for spending too much money and expanding the government. They won’t let him do anything at all! The Republicans have created total paralysis in Washington! So whatever he does, President Diamond gets it both ways. Somebody always complains!
“Our purpose today is to help establish a reelection process that lets President Diamond carry out his presidential duties without having to worry about financing a campaign. That’s why we need your help! We have to make sure that the lies and distortions being put out there don’t go uncontested!
“I understand you’re disappointed, but I’m sure President Diamond—despite whatever shortcomings he might have— is preferable to Mick Rodney or Marietta Liszt! And the president really has accomplished a lot! He doesn’t get credit for over 200 pieces of legislation passed during Alison ‘Al’ Capone’s time as Majority Leader of the House.”
“Lawdy!” I wail. “Jim, my man, we talkin’ a mountain an’ a molehill. Sure Blackie done well and completed a fine little mothball or two, but meanwhile, the country going broke, credit rating downgraded, Teepee Party screwing up da works. A mountain of problems facing us. Yes, I know, he improved his golf game — “
Jim has the decency to laugh.
“— and he cut back on the number of cigarettes he smoke a day, but there be so much mo’ to do!”
“That’s why we need your help!”
“Jim, we ain’t there yet. We don’t hate you, Jim, you a good man doing what you believe in, but we got to see some action before we ready to line up behind President Diamond. You tell that man when he get back from Martha’s Vineyard, he got to propose some legislation that create some jobs. And, lawd help us, not another speech!”
Jim laughs.
“I sat through speeches an’ I sat through college lectures an’ the last thing we need right now is mo’ talk! You tell him to propose some legislation — ‘I have authorized Congress to pass bill so-and-so and bill so-and-so’— and maybe we begin to believe he ready to do something fo’ working folks.
“’Cause I’m sorry, but at the moment, we just don’t feel he representin’ our interests!”
“Well, I’m sorry to hear that, too. You know a lot more about politics than I do, I’m just a young man starting out. I’ve taken some notes of what you’ve said and they’ll help me in my solicitation endeavors. All I can send you in the mail at the moment is a pledge card, and obviously you aren’t comfortable or ready for that. But thanks for talking with me!”
“Y’all take care now!” I drawl in my sweetest southern cadence.
I’m sure poor Jim took a coffee break after that one! I don’t want to be mean and I don’t want the Secret Service thinking I’m threatening the president. But, I mean, Jim called me. Based on our listing in the Democratic Party voter database.
Jim, my man, you don’t ask and I won’t tell!
***
From the desk of Blackie Diamond
Speech Campaigning in America
Hello, my fellow countrymen. This is the 138th time I am speaking to you from the Oval Office. Those weekly video addresses mount up! My wife picked out the new drapes. You’ll notice I didn’t say “Good morning” or “Good evening,” because I wish to address all Americans everywhere and that includes those in other time zones, like Alaska, Hawaii, Guam and American Samoa! Just because it’s midday here at the White House, I am not so arrogant as to believe that this is the case in all parts of this great nation of ours.
I asked my assistant, Dan Sverdlovski, “When is a good time to address the American people?” Dan said… well, I’ll let Dan tell you! Swivel or turn or swing or pan the camera or whatever you… Yes, that’s it. Over there on my left.
Dan Sverdlovski: Thank you, Mr. President. What I said was, “Mr. President, anytime you speak to the American people, that’s an occasion for joy!”
The President: Thank you, Dan! Uh… bring the… swing back over… yes, I’M OVER HERE!… Yes, not down there, UP HERE! Bring up… Okay.
Many of you may be wondering why I am now sitting on my desk instead of, you know, behind my desk. Well, I’m trying to be a little informal here. A man behind a desk seems kind of cold. I want to come across as warm and chatty, like, what’s his face… Franklin Delano Roosevelt. His fireside chats assured a troubled nation that all would be well.
How dare those Republicans ask, “Are you better off than you were four years ago?” What kind of a defeatist question is that?! Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s fireside chats addressed that very same question. My answer is: Of course things are better than they were in 1931! How dare the Republicans claim otherwise?!
Are you better off than you were in 2009? You may not realize it, but things are improving. It’s been painful, but we’re on the rebound. Standing as I do at center court, the best I can hope for is a rimshot, but two points is better than no points, even in a pickup game! I call that “The audacity of hoops.”
Gotcha!
My wife and I are also aware of the housing crisis! My current domicile is at best a “loaner,” part of my salary package. Sooner or later, my family and I will be asked to vacate the premises. I mean, look at the brouhaha over the newly built president’s house at the University of Maryland! We at the White House have got it easy! But we know our time will come.
So we were looking at a house in Nova Scotia. Kind of a wild beach. It’s windy, it’s got heather, that Heathcliff feel. And I said, “It’s a great price! Let’s grab it!” We put down a deposit, but when we got back here to— you know, Washington— my assistant Dan Sverdlovski pointed out that it might not be, like, such a great idea for the president to be buying a property in… you know… Canada. So— like we did in Denver— we got some friends to buy it, and maybe later…
The point is, we know that housing prices are depressed!
Has anyone seen Raphael, the pizza delivery dude?
By the way, I’m not only speaking to Americans! Even resident aliens with green cards are more than welcome to listen in! The 11 million illegal aliens living in the Continental United States are equally welcome. To them, I say, “Buenos dios!” Not that they’re all Latin Americans, but… whatever!
I can see that Dan is going crazy because I’m ad-libbing. These comments are nowhere in my prepared speech. An excellent speech, if I may say so, prepared with care by Dan and my speechwriters Ted and Sylvia, over in the West Wing of the White House. And I promise you, Dan, and you, America, that I will soon get back on message and give that pithy, informative statement. But I want to get some things said here!
Let me be clear. I come from Denver, and l don’t appreciate all this carping criticism!
First off, that I never actually SAY anything in my speeches. Well-l-l, today I am going to speak plainly on a number of issues!
Let’s start with the TelePrompTer! Today, here in the Oval Office, I am using the Series 2100 TelePrompTer, a unit specifically designed for small rooms and television cameras. Positioned ingeniously over the lens, this gadget allows me to stare INTO the camera while surreptitiously reading my prepared text. Is that great or what?
Am I being plain enough for you???
I hope I am.
My wife and I are black and I am not ashamed to say so! To those who complain that I’m not black enough, I say: I am as black as barros negros, black as night, black as the hearts of my Republican rivals! I… am… very… black! Listen! “Yo mama so fat, da po-lice gotta stop traffic when she come down da sidewalk… in bofe directions!” That’s how black I am! I even learn “yo mama” jokes from my daughters Masha and Natasha.
I’m black!
My mama was a white woman who liked to have sex with black men. She died of ovarian cancer. That doesn’t make her a bad person! Sleeping with black men was the ethos of her time and place. For white people, Hawaii in the 1960’s was a surfer paradise and beach bum hangout. Of course she got into trouble!
My daddy could charm the coconuts right out of the trees.
And since that coconut don’t fall too far from that tree, I be tryin’ to cut back myself on the chocolate and vanilla. Some of my lady friends seem to like it when I whack the monkey, though, so I be thinkin’… hmmm, next generation be a coffee-colored world! Nothin’ to eat or drink, but they be coffee-colored.
We Johnsons have the gift. My mama got grants to gallivant all over the world. Doing anthropology with her body. She must have had something on the ball, since she did get the money!
We don’t work in my family. We play. We play hard. That’s who we are!
I’m like Oprah. I’m special. I’m Blackie Diamond! My life story is, was and always has been compelling enough to sell a lot of books— albeit many were in paperback— and get me elected president! People give me a pass. Like my mama, I get everything served on a silver platter. ‘Cause I’m a charmer. Doesn’t affect my bowel movements. I still sit on the toilet, defecating, like everyone else. But looking at me, you wouldn’t think so. That’s me, that’s my method. As that tax dodger Wesley Snipes once said, “It’s called acting.”
I sure as Hell ain’t Latino! Although, of course, I support the Latino community in their efforts to fully participate in the American dream.
To those who complain that I have been less than enthusiastic over the Dream Act, pul-lease! That’s politics! In my heart, I want all residents of this great country of ours to progress and enrich themselves as part of the American experience. We’re living in a new millenium, however. You don’t get anything for free. Not even health care!
Hoc opus, hic labor est. Here is the hard truth:You gotta work!
I may be playing at being president, but even that requires strenuous activity and endless battles with my adversaries in Congress. They be low-jacking my ride! I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. The process ages you, but it’s also a lot of fun!
It’s not like I’m sitting here scratching my privates. If I was going to do that, I’d sit behind my desk, I assure you!
There is a gentleman running for office in Maryland who has come out with a high-end TV ad saying, “I have already signed a pledge, that if I don’t accomplish my stated goals in my first term, I will not run for reelection.” That punch is below the belt! THAT MAN IS UNAMERICAN!!!
I’m top dog and don’t let anybody forget it!
Once reelected, I intend to hold Congress’s feet to the fire. The blood will be knee-deep in the aisles! Then you’ll really get to see whose lapdog I am. Woof! Woof! So watch out. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I’m a Transformer. Mean Mister Machine is coming to town.
I might even throw some money toward highway maintenance.
Speaking of cash moneys, I think every American should have $4,000 salted away in his bank account. I know I do. I demand the same of my daughters. My wife. Even our dog Winston has a paltry $4,000 saved up. For when he goes to college. What’s the matter? Get with it, America!
So, from today— a momentous announcement— not a Peace Corps, not a Job Corps or an Americorps— I am instituting the Get With It, America! savings program. By skipping candy bars, lunches and clothes shopping on the weekends— by walking instead of burning up gas mileage— we can get this country solvent! After all, our current debt level is $15 trillion. Do the math! Two hundred and fifty million Americans times $4,000 equals one trillion dollars. Paying that in additional taxes over a fifteen-year period, America will be out of hock! No more kowtowing to the Chinese.
Think of it as an installment plan on a walnut-paneled bar with leather-clad accoutrements, track lighting and wall-to-wall stereo television in a stretch limo. Or new wheels and spinners on your ride!
I’m just suggesting… Listen, if I don’t hear otherwise, I consider it a done deal. Straight up!
In the meantime, we won’t spend more money in the federal government since… duh!… we in the public service.
Yeah, right!
*
Now, this whole question of what I did and did not promise the Russkies. All I said was, we are— politically— in a state of flux here and I will be more focused and, you know, flexible, once this mad dash to the finish line is over. These are treaties full of technical detail and I don’t feel adequately in position to sink a swish when the opposing team keeps blocking my shots.
That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
Israel’s… whatever… is paramount… Enough of this! Why do I have to keep promising my soul to, like, four percent of the population? I know, yada, yada, yada, they’re everywhere! They control the media. I just mean that here is an opportunity for America to embrace a new reality. Instead of having the same old power brokers calling the tune!
Next, my seeming fondness for Third World, Muslim nations. Remember, I lived in Singapore as a child. So stop grousing! I think it was Hamilton Jordan, Jimmy Carter’s Chief of Staff, who looked down the cocktail dress of the statuesque wife of the Egyptian ambassador and said, “I have always wanted to see the pyramids!” I, too, support the current efforts, in Egypt, to form a flourishing democracy. Warily, I even applaud the democratic participation of the Muslim Brotherhood. So long as they act democratically, they too are a boon to the peaceful process of transition.
In case nobody told you, our Arab brothers are just looking for a bone to pick with The Imperialist Aggressor, The Great Satan, the U.S.A. Invariably, they find one! Now it’s some lamebrain video on the Internet! We spent billions in blood and treasure, ushering in the Arab Spring. Then some nutjob puts an anti-Muslim film on the Net, and small groups of Fundamentalist extremists are blowing up our embassies and murdering our people.
Let me be clear: Militants burned the Libyan embassy on 9/11, but the attack wasn’t pre-planned…??? Pul-lease!
Angry crowds in Arabia do photo ops, overturning automobiles, burning the American flag and storming our consulates.
Ahabs: They believe in beheading, the subjugation of women, homosexuality and buggery, but heaven help us if you insult the Prophet Mohammed. Then they’re ready to kill you!
This is a typical case where we adults need to show mature understanding for the historical grievances motivating our more misguided cousins. We must do nothing to exacerbate the situation! [ A favorite phrase among diplomats. ]
*
The telephone industry gutted the television industry, swallowing up their broadband. Congress and I went along with auctioning off the frequencies because I want every American to carry a smartphone. Using GPS, we’ll be able to track and pinpoint anyone across the country. Think of it as your 24-hour-a-day babysitter, but also “the eye in the sky” for law enforcement. What a tool that’ll be! Anyone without a smartphone will automatically be suspect.
Now the wireless industry wants more access, while not even using 100% of the spectrum they already own. They want a major chunk of the frequencies currently used by NASA and our Armed Forces. There are 34,750 registered lobbyists in the Nation’s Capital. The capitalists just keep chipping away until they get what they want. Tough luck for NASA and our Armed Forces! What good does it do to fly the Reaper, Predator and Global Hawk Unmanned Aerial Vehicles, when you lack the bandwidth to communicate with your aircraft? Not too swift, guys!
So stop criticizing me, America, and write your Congressman about the bandits buying up this country’s legislators. As the lobbyists say, “It’s amazing what a $10,000 campaign contribution can get you!”
Meanwhile, we have all these weirdos with tape over their mouths marching around in front of the Supreme Court, protesting health care reform. Don’t you get it? DIAMONDCARE! I don’t care if you don’t like it! I’m Blackie Diamond! I’m the president! Take your best shot! Everybody cross-checks the Prez, baby. Go ahead, catch a bullet! Nudge me over the foul line. Make my day!
If you believe the comics pages of your local newspaper and late-nite television, I’m already dead meat.
I go on the late-nite squawk shows. Tell a few jokes. Get a bump in the polls.
“What’s the diff between Mick Rodney and a dog? A dog drinks water, breathes air and farts.”
“How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None! The Republicans are still living in the 18th Century!”
“Mick Rodney, Paul Rand, Richard Provolone and Marietta Liszt get marooned on a desert island. By the end of the first day, Mick has bought up half the island, Richard has founded a military dictatorship, Paul Rand refuses to come ashore until the others adopt his ideology, and Marietta has mated with a gorilla, since she feels none of her shipmates comes anywhere near fulfilling the role of ‘a real man.’”
Ever notice how the actresses flogging their movies on the late-nite talk shows keep getting younger, taller, blonder and dumber?!
America, greet your daughters!!!
*
Hey, Mr. Teepee Party conservative! I, too, represent a constituency. I rep the people I went to Harvard with. Classy people. Achievers. New York investment bankers! The top 1%! So you go ahead and make your bus trip to Washington. Enjoy the cherry blossoms. We control the economy and what we say, goes!
As you know, “inexplicably,” I have granted permission for off-shore oil prospecting along the eastern seaboard. I will shortly sign legislation allowing the construction of the Keystone XL tar sands pipeline across the very heartland of America. Why??? Hello-o! Because my backers— on Wall Street— the investment bankers I met at Harvard— want these projects. I graduated from Harvard Law magna cum laude. They own me. They made me. I’m theirs. Who did you think I represented?
The poor are very nice people. They are warm-hearted and sometimes they vote, but I can’t finance a campaign using good intentions alone. The big money is on Wall Street. I’m their man. So forget the Republicans.
For all my pretty speeches about idealism and hope, at rock bottom, I’m a hard-hearted politician. It’s who I am! Outside of my wife and children, I am perfectly willing to throw anyone under the bus.
The Republicans portray me as being a wimp.
Make no mistake about it, when the hard choices need to be made, I’m as much of an unsentimental bastard as anyone in Congress. I only talk prettier.
Look how I treated my opponent Myrtle Beech in the Democratic primaries during the last election! And she’s a member of my own party!
Mr. Slash and Burn, Blackie Diamond, is girding for battle. I’ll malign anybody!
Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem. “By the sword, we seek peace, but peace only under liberty!” State motto of Massachusetts.
Maybe I cave for foreign leaders, but domestically, I’m a regular Macbeth.
Time to take off the kid gloves and get real. Who are these Republican candidates? Mick Rodney is a wuss. Richard “Big Cheese” Provolone can go back to his guns and Bibles. Paul Rand needs a psychiatric evaluation. They want unbridled capitalism, but the retina display on the new iPad uses up a month’s worth of capacity in an hour or two. We are engineering ourselves into a corner! The Republicans don’t seem to get it. As John F. Kennedy asked in 1960, “Where do they get these candidates?” Like the French say, “The more things change, the more they remain the same.”
My wife and I have been to Paris, France. In the Springtime. Population, two million two hundred thousand. Too many North Africans. Not to be confused with Paris, Texas. There were pretty girls everywhere. I think it’s the inability to choose that makes Frenchmen so testy to deal with.
I tried to get the French to take back the Louisiana Purchase. Basically, like at Pottery Village, they told me, “You broke it, you own it.”
Get over it! The Chinese own America. It’s the year of the dragon. Guess what? Nee-how! We rode the back of the dragon and ended up inside. China is America’s preferred moneylender. Their economy dominates our economy. What happens when we can’t pay the vigorish, let alone the principal? What d’ya think happens? America becomes Suzanne Collins’s Panem and my hometown of Denver takes its place among the world’s megalopolises. Sometimes I think you people ain’t payin’ attention. The breadbasket of America, sixty percent of this fine country, is living in a drought. Hunger games, baby! Bread an’ circuses.
Read your history books. Vedi Napoli e poi mori, “See Naples and then die.” They don’t print that in the tourist brochures, I can assure you. To quote the immortal Yogi Berra, “It ain’t over ‘till it’s over.”
Like this speech, it gonna be over soon enough!
I’m sorry to say our time is up for today. I promised the networks… yada, yada, yada! If you critics start bitching about me makin’ a campaign speech from the Oval Office, I say, “Tough titty!” Every president since Richard Nixon been doin’ it! President “meat prices must not go higher” Nixon!
I have a beef with the beef industry. To hold down prices, manufacturers have been diluting their product with an ammonia-treated meat filler called “lean, finely textured beef.” Also know as “pink slime.” I understand that the factory in Amarillo, Texas has been producing 200,000 pounds a day of this stuff. The Garden City, Kansas plant has been cranking out 350,000 pounds a day. A factory in Waterloo, Iowa has also produced 350,000 pounds a day. Amarillo? Garden City? Waterloo? Factories producing pink slime? You gotta love these names!
I travel the country touting job creation, but in this case, I think we’ve got to shut her down, boys! No one should be eating that stuff.
Finally, in conclusion, I know y’all expect me to come up with this year’s slogan. Last election, we had a three-word Kumbaya: “Yes, we can!” This time we got it down to two words:
Shove it!
Let the Republicans suck on that one awhile.
Y’all vote for me, maybe we won’t level your neighborhood, after all!
Live from the White House, this has been Blackie Diamond!
Naw, I’m just funnin’ ya!
Y’all take care!
Thank you.
***
From the desk of Kevin Feingold
Essay Wake up time, Mr. P!
“Enjoy your last ride on Air Force One.”
– President Obama to Congressman Anthony Weiner, when Weiner criticized Obama’s health care program while airborne.
*
My mom is 91 years old and sharp as a tack. I spent 12 years as an unpaid political consultant, in local politics, during my military career. She and I solve the world’s problems every night over dinner.
*
Mom: “With the GSA convention scandal in Las Vegas and now the SecretServicebacchanal in Cartagena, Colombia, the commentators on talk radio are saying Obama is an absentee manager.”
Kevin: “I know he’s an absentee president. I live in the Greater Washington area, and he never returns my calls!”
Mom: “Ha ha!”
Kevin: “As usual, the commentary is a little dumb. Obama will simply say, ‘I’m not in charge of the Secret Service. I don’t run the GSA. To err is human, to forgive, divine.’
“But, yes, the CEO is expected to set the tone, and with Obama as president, there’s a leadership vacuum as large as the Potomac River. I don’t think he’s an absentee manager, so much as passive-aggressive. I’ve never understood his style of non-leadership.”
Mom: “Obama and Bush wanted to be president, with all the pomp and ceremony, but not the job of running the country. You could never get Bush off his bicycle. I don’t think Obama’s even seen the inside of the Oval Office. Neither of them ever ran a company in their lives. Their résumés are paper thin.
“Romney may be a wooden, boring son of a bitch, but he is a proven, competent administrator.”
Kevin: “Stop complaining about Obama playing so much golf! He does less damage to the country.
“Bush dabbled in the oil industry. He was co-owner of a baseball team. He served an entire term as governor of Texas without once voting ‘present.’ He had convictions, benighted or otherwise…
“If the government is going to be handmaiden to industry, at least let’s get a competent industrialist at the helm, one who knows how to get things done. Right now, we’re standing still.”
Mom: “We’re not standing still! We’re going backwards in a downward economic spiral! I don’t see how anybody can support Obama.”
Kevin: “Well, don’t forget, he’s got that charisma thing. He gets up before a crowd, waves his arms and speaks, and the masses are hypnotized. Hitler had it, Mussolini, Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar. Orators, they know how to raise the passion of their listeners and make their blood boil. Obama has the gift. People come away from his rallies thinking they’ve seen Jesus and touched the hem of His garment.
“Barack Hussein Obama tells each group, ‘I am with you!’ He’s a con artist: He’s not lying, because he’s already looked in the mirror and convinced himself that he really means what he says. Charismatically persuasive, he gets people to believe in him. He tells the Jews, ‘Israel’s security is paramount.’ What does that mean? ‘Diplomacy is a chess match and I’ll offer Israel to gain a tactical advantage’? As Bill Clinton once famously said, ‘It all depends on what your definition of “is” is.’
“The Occupy Movement is a sterling example. In the economic meltdown, Obama sided with the 1%— the banks, the brokerage houses— who caused the crash with their falsely bundled securities ! 1 — and the automobile industry. Obama left Main Street— middle class America— sorely pressed economically. Without money to spend, we stand by and watch retail outlets go under. The face of America is changing. Economic Darwinism, only the strong survive. We watch our roads fill with pot-holes. A huge chasm has opened between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have-nots.’ Yet Obama can signal the Occupy Movement, ‘Don’t worry! I hear your message. In my heart, I am with you.’ [ 1 See Charles Ferguson’s 2010 movie Inside Job. ]
“That’s a great message! Only in his icy cold heart, ‘Mr. Cool’ only cares about himself and his immediate family.”
Mom: “I don’t see how a recent college graduate, weighed down with student loans, unemployed, forced to live with his parents, can tout Obama as the answer.”
Kevin: “Generation Y, the Internet / Facebook social networking young people, the ones who poured money bigtime into the 2008 Obama campaign, the people who worked day and night leafleting, telephoning and canvassing for Obama, have all been let down. Along with everyone else outside the banking, Wall Street brokerage and industrial communities. But college students aren’t known for being worldly, experienced or acting rationally.
“Even if they support Obama, I find it hard to believe they will come out for him in the droves we saw in 2008. Maybe a nursery rhyme can reach them:
Fooled me once, shame on you!
Fooled me twice, shame on me!
“The Washington Post still shows daily photographs of Obama campaigning in Ohio, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Illinois or Iowa, making speeches and pointing his finger, but I don’t see any references to tens of thousands of spectators waiting hours in line to get to see him.
“It’s 2012, not 2008. When Obama and his campaign staff are marching to victory, David Axelrod is going to look over his shoulder and say, ‘Hey, uh, Barack! Good grief! Where are the throngs? There’s nobody behind us! It’s only the six of us!’
“You can just hear Obama answer, ‘It’s okay, these are more intimate events!’
“People are not buying what he’s selling.
“What does Obama say in his speeches? He sets up straw men. It’s always someone else’s fault. He exhibits the mentality of an 8-year-old, ‘I didn’t do anything! It was all Billy’s fault.’ So it’s really a question of who he is going to blame the failing economy on.”
Mom: “He’s the president! I haven’t seen such a clueless Chief Executive since Jimmy Carter.”
Kevin: “What was that movie with Robert Redford? The Candidate. On election night, with his supporters wildly cheering his victory, the candidate turns to his campaign manager and asks, ‘What do we do now?’ That’s Obama in a nutshell. Glamorous, brilliant, clueless.”
Mom: “President Obama didn’t cause the economic crisis, he inherited it. But when he had his FDR moment to pump jobs and money into the middle class and revitalize this country, he chose to use the trillions of dollars to shore up his buddies on Wall Street. I blame our current mess on Obama!”
Kevin: “Ah, yes, but you’re logical. You can’t expect other people to react logically. On the plus side, the American people don’t need a rocket scientist to know their asses are cold.
“Have you seen the statue of Justice, the lady holding aloft the scales? While the gap in economic inequality widens, a conservative Supreme Court sides with the strong, against the weak. The scales of Justice aren’t becoming any lighter, as the blindfolded damsel grows progressively deafer to the cries and pleas of the middle class. The rich get richer while the rest of us get screwed.
“America deserves better.
“Political consultant Dick Morris predicts that undecided voters will break for the challenger by a two to one margin because of their discontent with the current economic situation. That spells real trouble for Obama.”
Mom: “This election is the Republicans to lose. Since they’ve chosen such way-out candidates, the undecideds won’t be able to vote Republican.
“Even a halfway centrist candidate like Romney seems attractive when the alternative is a big, fat nothing.
“But I can’t vote for Romney, now that he’s chosen the grandson of J.P. Chase-Guggenheim-Morgan-Rockefeller for his running mate. Even if we are a center-right country, why do the Republicans insist on pushing our buttons?
“And the Republicans were idiots to attack each other that way in the primaries. That just provides ammunition for the Democrats to use against the Republican nominee.”
Kevin: “This is America and everyone watches TV. Who can remember what the big issues were three months ago? Today, it’s the space shuttle Discovery. Two weeks ago, it was the cherry blossoms. What was the topic of conversation three weeks ago? No one remembers! We Americans have incredibly short attention spans. Come the Fall, no one will remember the mean, ugly things other contenders said about Mitt Romney during the Republican primaries.
“People don’t like mudslinging, attack ads and negative campaigning. When the Democrats start bringing up the attacks made during the Republican primary campaign— and leveling those charges in the national election— the public is going to say that such unsportsman-like behavior demeans Democrats.
“Some of the negative campaigning will brainwash people through sheer repetition, but a lot will turn off the electorate.
“I don’t think disappointed Democrats are going to vote Republican. They just won’t vote. We’ll see a very depressed voter turn-out in November.”
***
From the desk of Blackie Diamond
Speech Oh, Mama!
Now what brings me here— to Golden, Colorado of all places— for a campaign speech? Shazam! Air Force One brings me here! That mother costs $179,750 an hour to operate, but… guess what? When you’re president and you have a deficit of 15 trillion dollars, who cares?!
I am NOT a profligate spender, but the American people want to meet their leader! I am obligated to crisscross the country holding campaign rallies. I do not shrink from this responsibility, I welcome it!
We’re here at the Coors Brewery. My forebears weren’t German, but I heard that if we tour the plant, afterwards they’ll serve us free brewski in the lounge. If you ask for “clear beer,” they’ll serve you pure mountain spring water. I also want to buy T-shirts for Masha and Natasha. School kids love T-shirts, the more outrageous, the better!
I’ve asked the brewery industry for a report on what ales the nation. Get it? Ales… ails? No? Fuggedaboutit!
My staff and I are also here to highlight the wildfires currently taking place in Colorado. Eighty-six square miles of mountain forest, 181 homes gone up in smoke. We know how it feels, folks! This campaign is wild. I’m on fire!
If you can’t stand the heat, go fan yourself under the A/C vent!
Finally, why Colorado? Obviously, because it is next to New Mexico!
If you’ve read my deeply stirring personal narrative, Who Yo’ Daddy?, you know that I was born in the vestibule of a hot air balloon over the Sacramento Mountains of New Mexico. It clearly states on my birth certificate, “Elephant Butte Reservoir,” since it was over that particular section of the mountain range the balloonists think I might possibly first have come into this world. My mama knew her water could break at any time, but her college prankster roomies insisted on blindfolding and spiriting her away on a hot-air balloon ride. As a birthday present.
These things happen.
Let me just clear up this whole question about El Paso, Texas and Juarez, Mexico!
The balloon expedition started off in El Paso, intending to head north. As any balloonist can tell you, basically you are at the mercy of the winds. Did they drift over Juarez, where the hot Mexican breezes lifted their aircraft to new heights, the trade winds grabbed them and scooted them back up north? Yes, and a thousand times yes! I wasn’t born in Mexico! ¡Yo quiero los Estados Unidos de América!
See, I speak Spanish. And I’m not even Mormon!
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I grew up in Denver, the Mile High City. The air is thin. You learn to navigate despite the constant dizziness. What a ditsy place to hold a presidential debate!
This training has stood me in good stead for my time in the White House, where the atmosphere can seem pretty thin at times. Not a whole lot of air, if you catch my drift. Too many Republicans using up all the oxygen in the room!
I don’t want to be accused of épater le bourgeois, shocking the middle class, but thank God for the lobbyists and super PACs! As I always say, the next best thing to a blood transfusion is a cash transfusion! We make a fuss over the little guys contributing bupkis on the Internet, but that’s just for show. The real money comes from where it always has: Industry!
Oil drilling off the coast of Virginia. The Keystone XL pipeline bifurcating Nebraska. America runs on oil, people!
Lockheed Martin. Boeing. Sikorsky. Those military aircraft don’t build themselves, y’know!
Let’s give a shout-out for Tom Cruise, Penélope Cruz, shipboard cruising and cruise missiles. Long live the Predator, and not just in the movies!
Hey, Axl! My Chief of Staff. Who writes this stuff?
We don’t have that kind of industry here in Colorado, but our intellectual property is right up there alongside Silicon Valley. Why, we got the Sundance Film Festival ! Of course, it’s in Park City, Utah, but… same difference! Those kiss-off’kas in Venice don’t have a Sundance film festival, I can assure you!
Venice, California, my ass!
But don’t let me seem divisive. Let us focus on the issues that unite us! Like sticking someone else with the bill! 1
We have to kick-start some life into the economy. Prime the carburetor, pop the choke, pull the ripcord and make that mower go! That’s me, “Start ‘em up Blackie Diamond” ! My opponent— Mr. white guy Mick Rodney— can’t say that! His only experience is buying and selling companies for 20 years, turning around businesses, creating and promoting wealth.
Ha! How namby-pamby!
Has he ever given a speech that stirred millions?
No!
Has he ever stood on the steps of the Capitol and taken the presidential Oath of Office?
No!
Has he ever stood before both houses of Congress and given a State Of The Union address?
Never!
So you see, the man is totally unqualified to be president! He hasn’t honed any of the essential fundamentals: Talking with your head thrown back. Climbing the embarkation ramp of Air Force One. Looking into the eyes of Dmitry Medvedev and seeing his soul!
Been there, done that.
‘Nuff said.
______________________
1 “The problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money.” – Margaret Thatcher, British Prime Minister 1979 – 1990.
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It’s an election year. Your campaign contributions are important to us. If you notice product placement in this speech, we haven’t been subtle enough.
Allow me to thank the TelePrompTer Corporation for servicing us on such short notice, when we suffered equipment failure. Traipsing around the country puts a lot of wear and tear on all of us.
I can’t find the men’s room without a TelePrompTer.
Also, thank you, Old Navy, for coming to my wife’s aid when she experienced a wardrobe malfunction. I’ve seen her breasts. No biggies.
Thank God there are all these retro cable TV shows glamorizing smoking! I need all the help I can get.
Congratulate me! The other day, I played my 100th round of golf as president! I’m no Titleist, but I feel it was a Top-Flite achievement, TaylorMade for my wife’s crusade against child obesity.
I also sip Knob Creek Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey to protest the war in Sudan and the shelling in Syria.
I think it was Calvin Coolidge who once said, “The chief business of the American people is business.” Personally, I like him better as “Silent Cal.”
But that ain’t me! I ain’t silent ‘bout nothin’!
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This is a campaign event, so I’ve asked the rock band Hippodrome Blacksmith to play something patriotic. They looked over their set list and suggested the death metal version of Bah, Bah, Black Sheep. Let’s give it up for… Hippodrome Blacksmith!
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Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks!
The whole recall thing between Republican governor Sidney McCormick and Democratic challenger Wesley Magnet. I could say, “Gee, I was too busy to visit Wisconsin.” Well, dissembling ain’t my way! I didn’t go, because it was a lose-lose situation: If I went and supported Magnet, and Magnet lost, everyone would say, “See, Blackie Diamond is the Kiss of Death, a Natural Born Loser!” If, on the other hand, Wesley won, the pundits and commentators would have said, “There’s Blackie Diamond throwing his weight around, meddling in state affairs that are none of his business!”
So, I did what I felt was best and played some ball instead… a little b-ball, some golf, different courts, different courses. Sho’ made me hungry fo’ some barbecued ribs!
As for that newspaper headline, “Diamond embraces gay supporters,” I wish to clarify that our fellowship was in spirit, not in the men’s room.
Negative TV ads are costing millions of dollars! War chests brimming with cash, we still can’t enjoy a surreptitious weekend in Macao. Instead, the television networks are getting rich. Their presidents are enjoying The Blue Dragon Casino on Sun Yat-sen Way.
It’s like how contractors describe corruption in a war zone, “If somebody’s paying the money, somebody’s getting it!”
Long live network television, the true beneficiaries of negative campaigning!
How ‘bout them Republicans? Ornery. Itching for a fight. “If you run for reelection, our super PACs will say bad things and demolish you on TV.”
Ho ho ho! “Oh, I’m so-o-o scared!”
[ Quoting Wesley Snipes as Simon Phoenix in the 1993 movie Demolition Man. ]
Lawdy! Get real.
You know, my team raised the bar. We’re the Olympic contenders of attack ads! In 2008, we were the only proud practitioners of the slasher attack ad. Four years later, every super PAC has learned how to harness the graphics, write the oppositional research and hire a killer announcer. Quality! If I do nothing else in my presidency— and that may yet be the case!— I’ll still be remembered as the dude who raised the level of attack ads to high art.
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Now for the big stink! My statement, “It’s very clear that private-sector jobs are doing just fine.”
Nobody is happy with the economy, least of all me! My point is, in times of austerity, since we must choose where to put our limited resources, mercifully the private sector is holding its own!
I’ll never be able to satisfy 90-year-old FDR Democrats who wanted the federal government in 2009 to create alphabet soup agencies and make-work programs like in the 1930’s. That’s not my way! I bailed out the economic institutions which I feel are the bedrock of American industry, both on Wall Street and in the auto industry. The turnarounds were successful. The companies survived. They also paid back their TARP loans. Unfortunately, the employment rate and the national economy still lag behind the growth levels reflected on the stock market. It may take ten years for a full recovery. ALL I CAN SAY IS, the seeds are firmly planted.
Marginal progress is being made in the black community and on Main Street.
This country can do anything we set our minds to. We put a man on the moon. Jane Fonda is still making movies!
Our rocket is poised on the pad. We may not have lift-off tomorrow, but I believe it’s gonna happen.
I dare to hope!
I know the middle class is suffering. Here’s a tip from the extensive fundraisers I have attended in the run-up to this election: Try the quiche.
Ever since I made that gaffe about the private sector, every news service photo of me frowning has been unearthed from the archives and flashed on a screen somewhere! Maybe it’s a victory for Marshall McLuhan’s global village, but I feel bruised.
Since I am over six feet tall, I get to lord it over people.
I am Commander In Chief. I LOVE being Commander In Chief!
I’m not Richard Nixon, I don’t walk around the White House talking to the portraits on the walls. I do, however, give a little wink to any pictures of George Washington. Commander of the Continental Army, our first president, it is thanks to him that a civilian like myself gets to play top dog. You’ve seen the photos! I travel the world and American soldiers at bases everywhere adore me. So I must be doing something right!
Foreign policy: America has lost patience with the Pakistanis for never clearing out the Taliban sanctuaries. The Pakistanis have lost patience with America for losing patience. All the Pakistanis ever do about clearing out the Taliban sanctuaries is to lose patience.
Dudes, lose the sanctuaries!
Must I drone on about this? Hint, hint!
Next problem. The Occupy Wall Street Movement is unhappy because they aren’t the smartest, they aren’t very good-looking, they aren’t particularly talented and they haven’t been successful. Obviously, all those complaints can be laid at the feet of Wall Street! That’s clear as day! Let’s all be green with envy of anyone who is more successful than we are.
Which leads me to the people of Brazil. They experience a joie de vivre sadly lacking at my campaign headquarters in Denver, Colorado. Guys in Denver! Hello-o! Brazilians enjoy life! They have an innate sense of rhythm. Brazilians dance the bossa nova. Their alcoholic beverages put the fizz back in your step! Watching their super models on the runway, I don’t think there’s any denying how successful Brazil is. Therefore, sob a pressao das circunstâncias, under the stress of circumstances,I am calling for immediate and unconditional sanctions against all things Brazilian. Sem cessar! Without end. This economic démarche is but the first step in the Occupy Brazil Movement.
Keeping with the Democratic Party ideology of victimhood, anyone who is more successful than me should be punished! The first and most important place to enforce this will be during the next election cycle. To move America forward! To see that everyone sacrifices equally!… Among us vlasti, some be more equal than others. [The power elite in the former Soviet Union. ]
Domestic politics: Did I pander when— overnight— I suddenly reversed government policy and decided NOT to deport all illegal Hispanic college graduates in the Class of 2012? No and Hell no!
It’s the right thing to do!
Let ‘em have a few months off! They deserve a vacation, just like everyone else! There’ll be plenty of time in December and January to deport them!
Now, if I said I liked the brown man— that would be a clear case of pandering. This little transaction is wholly other than that! Here we are horse-trading “time off for good behavior” against votes in November. A fair trade, an honest trade. Nothing more, nothing less.
“You vote for me, amigos, I don’t kick your kids out of the country!” At least not until after the election.
It ain’t perfect, but it is what it is!
The audacity of the pundits to claim I don’t have a plan for the economy. Where you at ?! Didn’t you hear my hour-long speech in Ohio? Audacity is my department! The audacity of hope. The audacity to believe. “Yes, we can!”
Leave the audacity to me, brothers!
Don’t listen to the naysayers, who claim this is a leaderless, rudderless presidency. During the first three years of my administration, the number of instances of child pornography on the Internet has sunk dramatically!
Vandalization of public telephones has been all but eliminated… together with public telephones.
The children of this great nation of ours have received the maximum allotment of snow days!
The sale of medical marijuana has quadrupled.
The Arab Spring has made way for the R.C. Kessler Summer Sale!
Weejuns are out, sandals are in.
Sarcasm is out, irony is in.
From my digs in the Big W.H., I can see that real estate prices in the nation’s capital be boomin’.
The internment of Japanese-Americans is but a memory.
I don’t know what yardstick others are using, but I see real progress being made in at least a seventh of this great country of ours!
Meanwhile, people can’t get enough of E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey.” In a time of sinking aspirations, any stimulus to the erogenous zone appears beneficial.
Euclidean geometry provides proof I should be reelected!
Under my administration, a $100 million Land, Sea, Air Rescue Memorial honoring and celebrating our First Responders now proudly graces a corner of the National Mall in Wash, DC. Gratefully, we recognize the dedicated men and women who rescued our bulldog Winston Churchill when he fell into the Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial on a very hot day last June!
*
A tribute to the wife is always in order! Let me congratulate mine on the new book she’s written, Growing Organically. That’s a great book! We believe in growing green. Composting. Using night soil— which we city boys used to call “turds.” Same thing!
Planting a kitchen garden is easier than you think!
You separate out the seeds and stems and plant them, aerating the soil extensively as you go. Water thoroughly. How green is our kitchen garden? Very! Green, weed, Mary Jane, cannabis, pot. By any other name, that organic product remains equally sweet! Plant mint among your marijuana seedlings for that glorious menthol taste.
You’ve heard of hash browns. Our recipe calls for using real hash.
Grow them gardens! May your green thumb thrive! We may not be able to right the economy, but given enough organics, we can render ourselves unwilling to sweat the small stuff. And I mean that in a good way!
As for the snakeheads, well, if we learned to eat catfish, we can learn to eat anything!
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Did I send Harvey Kaufman to Vietnam to sign a “peace treaty in perpetuity” with the Vietnamese? Let’s do that Q & A in December, just in case it becomes a hot campaign issue. Thanks!
The euro is down the toilet. So is Bashar al-Assad. What to do? Live organically!
Country singer Ted Pruitt says that if I am reelected, he’ll either be in jail or dead. Ted, I know how you feel! Every time you come out with a new album, I’m ready to puke!
The good news is, neither of us has yet left the country!
Is this nation big enough for two performers with outsized egos?
Maybe.
I gotta remind everybody that Ted needs a guitar, lots of practice, and the magic of music to get women to swoon and men to feel a thrill up their leg like Chris Matthews. I can do that with the silence of a TelePrompTer. Who’s got his mojo workin’ now, Teddy?!
Join me in singing our campaign theme song, “Every Little Bit Counts Between Now and the End of the World.”
… No?
Cat got your tongue? Okay…
The pundits say I can’t win reelection as long as our economy remains on the skids. They say the economy can’t rebound, unless the Europeans pull out of their economic nosedive.
Nothing could be farther from the truth! Listen to me, my fellow Americans!
Elections aren’t won and lost over an adding machine! They’re decided by the decent people of this country, voting for a do-gooder president who only feels compassion for you and wishes you the very best!!!
America’s got talent!
America is exceptional!
What did Churchill say? “Democracy is the worst form of government, excepting all others.” Since nobody speaks Churchillian English anymore, let me translate that: Democracy has its flaws, but other ideologies suck even more!
Hi, kids! Mr. Winston Churchill was a stuck-up white guy who defended England but denied freedom to the colonies. He smoked a cigar and led Great Britain through a four-year military struggle called The Second World War. Sometimes, when we politicians are trying to establish our place in history, we quote Mr. Churchill.
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If you want a president who stirs the hearts and minds of the electorate, vote for me!
If you want a businessman for president, that’s the other guy.
I don’t know if this is true or not, but I’ve been told Mick Rodney is a product of the Fisher-Price division of the Mattel Corporation. Love your hair, Mick! Say “hi” to Barbie for me!
For those of you who missed any part of this speech, I’m sure it’ll be on YouTube. Or visit our website, http://www.MyWhiteHouseMeMeMine.gov
In addition, I have another 125 speeches scheduled between now and Election Day.
My rod and my staff, they comfort me.
Thank you for your attention! We just killed another hour and a half on the campaign trail. Credit goes to Mr. Farnham, my seventh grade Public Speaking teacher at Woodbridge Junior High School in Denver.
Hi, Mr. Farnham!
…
God bless!
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yustyoking 
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