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I am outraged over the events in Boston! If ever I decide to fly an airplane into the World Trade Center of Stockholm, Sweden or blow up the New Boston Mini Mart located halfway between Detroit and Ann Arbor in Michigan, at least I hope to have the support of my aunts and uncles. Ruslan Tsarni, uncle of the Boston Marathon bombing suspects, held an impromptu press conference outside his home in Montgomery Village, Maryland days after the event and declared both his nephews “losers.”

Ever helpful, at a memorial service for the MIT police officer slain by the Tsarnaevs, Veep Joe Biden has labeled them “perverted, cowardly knockoff jihadis.” Ouch!

The hospitalized Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is now talking. He tells us that he and his older bro’ Tamerlan became angry with America over the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Listen, Dzhokhar, lots of people are! Yet we don’t all go making bombs. Hey, Mr.G-man, there’s more to this than meets the eye! I say, law enforcement should focus on classic detective work à la Sam Spade: Cherchez la femme! What atavistic need to play tonsil hockey with giggling, young, blue-eyed blond American schoolgirls drove these two frustrated, swarthy immigrant boys from Chechnya to attack America in the name of radical Islam? Don’t forget, Marilyn Monroe was an American invention! (My YouTube playlist features pop videos by Lady Gaga, Kerli and Ke$ha, all young, all blond.) Young girls flirt. Rejection hurts. Life is a series of disappointments. Zero in on the Tsarnaev brothers’ lonely frustration.

When confronted by an in-your-face topless Ukrainian women’s rights protester at the Hanover Industrial Fair in Germany, Vladimir Putin didn’t get mad, he got even: Ogling the young lady lasciviously, he told fair officials, “You should be grateful to the girls, they are helping you make the fair more popular.” This is one of the perks of being dictator of Russia. Alas, not all of us can react with such aplomb. Dzhokhar and Tamerlan blew up the Boston Marathon.

Give the boys credit, unlike you or me, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan have left their mark in history. Their names will figure prominently in databases, which is more than you or I can brag about!

Payback is a bitch. Like rock-throwing Palestinians, Tamerlan and Dzhokhar probably saw detonating explosives as a form of personal expression. After all, we do have the First Amendment right to free speech. Following a long, worldwide tradition of anarchist bomb-throwers, their making IEDs and blowing up the Boston Marathon was a way for Tamerlan and Dzhokhar to express themselves. A day after the bombing, Dzhokhar told fellow classmate Zach Bettencourt at the University of Massachusetts at Dartmouth, “Tragedies like this happen all the time.” Two days later, the FBI released photos of the Tsarnaev brothers to the world. Class was over.

You wonder how the brothers could concentrate on making bombs amid the hustle and bustle of modern Bostonian life. It wasn’t easy. Tip: One advantage of the slower tempo in Moombahton dance music (108 beats per minute) is the extra time it gives you to gather your thoughts.

Chechens aren’t like the rest of us: Most come from Chechnya. Despite the pitfalls of generalizing, I’m willing to state that Chechens are an emotional people often prone to violence. Joseph Stalin deported the entire Chechen nation to Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan in 1944. Although allowed to return home after 1956, between a quarter and half the Chechen population perished. No wonder they have a chip on their shoulders! Tamerlan and Dzhokhar’s parents claim from their home in Dagestan that their boys were set up. They cannot believe their progeny would ever commit acts of violence. Of course, the parents no longer live in America, a land of 314 million personal agendas, road rage, the tea party, West Virginia snake handlers, income inequality, vampire films, Draconian state laws still on the books from two centuries ago and the proliferation of megachurches. The Mormon hymnbook ends with The Star-Spangled Banner and God Save the King. Where are Hatikvah and Allahu Akbar?

As always during an economic downturn, partisanship and extremism sound the death knell of civility. Perhaps in the panorama of Sufis, Salafist jihadists and adherents of Salvador Dali, these young men chose one from column A and another from column B. Whatever their nihilistic philosophy, armed struggle prevailed. Free radicals in the body politic can kill.

This is a violent essay in tune with our violent nation. Think of it as military humor, ha ha, laughing in the shambles. Django has been unchained: The NRA blocks any attempt at gun control while the U.S. Senate requires 60% to vote “aye” for any legislation to pass. Our prez is a feckless blabbermouth. When the institutions in power fail to rule, anarchy reigns.

I side with the National Rifle Association’s chief executive Wayne LaPierre: In a country of 314 million people, any attempt to run background checks on all purchasers of backpacks, pressure cookers and fireworks will prove totally unmanageable. Better to put an armed police officer on every street corner. This solution will also eradicate unemployment.

Not.

To the jihadis of the world, I throw down the gauntlet of challenge: Blowing up people and buildings is easy. Anyone can do that! Lets see you hit America where it really hurts. Beat us in golf, ping pong or tennis! Becoming a pro golfer, ping pong or tennis player takes talent, stamina, an iron will, dedication and years of practice. Bomb-making is a short-term walk in the park in comparison. Seriously, show us what you got, sports! Allahu Akbar? Before declaring a worldwide caliphate, at least win gold at the Olympics!

– Kevin Feingold