yustyoking

            Good day to you all here at the Lincoln Memorial.  They’ve scrubbed off the green paint and we are celebrating freedom. Your freedom and mine. Yours because you are Americans. Mine because this is my last term in office. I am a lame duck president, but I am not a quack. Get it? Duck… quack. That one is from my daughter Masha. Thank you, Masha! Okay. I like the pomp and speechmaking but not the circumstances. Too much responsibility. I like the pageantry and photo ops but not the boring administrative details. The Oval Office is for squares. Give me the campaign trail. Give me the open road! Hand me the mike! That defines who I am.

You elected me as a deeply stirring motivational speaker. That defines who you are!

I have a dream! That the people of Latvia will link hands and sing a song of freedom. I’m told the Estonians, Latvians and Lithuanians did that on August 23, 1989 to great effect. They formed a human chain that stretched over 370 miles. Anyway, Latvia is important as the source of Stolichnaya vodka. Listen, if there’s no Stoli, there is a lot less fun in this world! And we surfers know fun.

Fifty years ago today, on these very steps of the Lincoln Memorial— on August 28, 1963— Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his famous “I Have A Dream” speech. My response at the time was “Mommy, mommy, lookee!” After all, I was living in surfurbia in Hawaii and only two years old. As a fellow orator, I admire King’s speech: his elocution, his wording, his phrasing, his extemporaneous outbursts of divine inspiration. Hopefully, today, I can emulate that fine oratory and continue in the great tradition of Abraham Lincoln, William Jennings Bryan, Patrick Henry, Henry Clay, John Wilkes Booth and all the other rabble-rousing, crowd-pleasing Cicero’s of their time and place. Hang five!

I speak to you today as one nation under God, indivisible. Specifically, I address all people with a room temperature I.Q. or above. You’re the ones who vote.

In spite of life inside the presidential bubble, I know blacks, liberals and Democrats are all bellyaching that I haven’t delivered. Well, that’s a two-way street. I often feel like Harrison Ford in a movie asking, “Who are you people? What do you people want?!”

I am a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness! I am a communard but not a communist. Nothing new about that. As George W. Bush’s Chief of Staff Andrew Card once pointed out, “You don’t introduce new products in August…”

In the face of Egypt’s violence and bloodletting, allow me to quote the Wiesenthal Center’s Efraim Zuroff who wisely said, “To get a Nazi in prison you have to take a photo of him in his underwear.” Take a moment, people, and think about that! All I’m saying is: Before you tweet any more selfies of your junk, folks, consider what happened to Anthony Weiner. ‘Nuff said!

I have a dream! That unlike George III, my later years will be spent as king of Togo. Stranger things have happened. Google it and you’ll find it on the map. Let me be clear. We’re black and I cannot envision a finer ending to my meaningful political career. At least as king of Togo, I’ll get a little respect! No more carping Tea Party conservatives, Fox News commentators and midwestern 47%-ers to deal with. The ethics in this country have more holes than Swiss cheese. I could drop an F bomb here, but I am showing restraint for the sake of our children. This speech is rated “G” for general audiences.

I’m criticized for letting Vladimir Putin run roughshod over human rights. I do have an answer to both the critics and President Putin: As the rock band Love‘s immortal lead singer Arthur Lee once sang, “Boo bip bip, boo bip bip, yeah!”

I have a dream! That Putin will release the imprisoned young ladies in Pussy Riot as a gesture of reconciliation toward the “Hello, Kitty” generation and freedom-loving punk music enthusiasts everywhere. Thank you Masha and Natasha for that addition to my speech!

To our visitors from outer space, quarantined in Area 51 in Nevada, I say “Greetings! Abu nabu nosferatu! ” Like at Guantanamo, we would love to release you guys, but we don’t know how to do it without polluting the atmosphere, bringing on terrorist attacks, etc. ‘Nuff said!

The staff of Secretary of State John Kerry has asked me to insert the following sentences, although I freely admit to my personal mystification as to the “why.” Well, okay, then, here goes: America is not the liberal country many of us envision and desire. We forget this at our peril. The American people prize freedom over regulation, individual rights over the good of the community, “me, me, me, I got mine.” That makes it damn hard to govern.

Thank you, John, for those kind words!

I have a dream! That here today the Esmé Louder Band will play songs from their new album “For Love of Squalor.”

We want you to have fun, we want this to be an all-day event. As soon as it turns dark, we’ll have an extra showing of “Screen on the Green” right here on The Mall. Tonight’s movie is Harry Poofter and the Songs of Usher. For ninety minutes, we watch Harry and his girlfriend Abigail Storm listen to songs by Usher on a Bose sound system in his bedroom. They also chew gum and talk. A compelling slice-of-life docudrama. Whose executive producers contributed a nice chunk of change to my 2012 campaign. See? Full disclosure. This administration has nothing to hide! Nothing we’d tell you about, at any rate.

God bless you and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

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