yustyoking

            “This doesn’t suck,” says my younger bro’ Tim, admiring a towel-warmer for his wife. We are at the Brookstone cool knickknack store at Montgomery Mall in Rockville, Maryland. They feature a variety of 6-inch fly-in-the-house attack helicopters, as well as plastic quadricopter drones that hover at chest level and survey the room with an on-board camera.

“If people coming to dinner are greeted by a four-propeller drone, I don’t think anybody will stay for dinner,” I point out.

“Say what you will, they are pretty neat,” counters Tim.

I try the Osim all-leather electric massage chair, a $3,600 item reduced to $3,300 for the holidays. In the anti-gravity position, you float on your back helplessly ensconced in leather. Hey, it’s cheaper than a ticket for a sub-orbital flight and you don’t have to wait five years for the technology to catch up with demand. Nothing, however, beats the $60 super-bungee chair. Awesome! You sit in a web of bungee cords, bobbing up and down like a cork. For $60! Your perfect ride.

We are at the Mall to test-drive the $91,000 Model S Tesla electric auto. Because Tesla isn’t authorized to sell in Maryland, their reps are limited to general P.R. For example, the driving instructor isn’t allowed to quote me a purchase price! Fortunately, sitting in the back seat, Tim looks it up on his iPad.

The last time I got an electric car, it was under the Christmas tree. Driving the Model S feels about the same, either you’re pressing the accelerator and the car moves forward or you are not and the car slows down. Abruptly. Grinding to a halt. It corners well, driving is comfortable. The seats, steering wheel and mirrors all adjust. It is a fine ride but not a whole lot more fun than your late model Corolla.

You can adjust the rack-and-pinion steering between sport, standard and comfortable. Wow! That makes a noticeable difference: sports car tension vs. standard control vs. the floating sensation of driving a boat.

“If you’re looking to impress,” says jet pilot Tim, “buy a Mercedes or BMW for $50,000. By the time the Canadians mine the ore and ship it to China, the Chinese refine it and the Japanese manufacture the batteries and ship them State-side, the carbon footprint of an electric car is equivalent to a Hummer.”

I’m a proud supporter of Tesla — even if they never have $29 tees in stock smaller than XXL.

— Kevin