yustyoking

Dear Mister, Missus, Miss or Ms.,

Ho ho ho!

Santa’s on his way

‘Though I cannot find

Where I parked my sleigh!

            Even if you have never heard of The Price of Charity Is Charity Charity, I must say I am aghast at not receiving your contribution during this season of giving. Did your check get lost in the mail? For God’s sake, we are depending on you! I was just saying to Marjorie, my secretary, “The check musta got lost in the mail.” I mean, I know you want to contribute. Your $10 contribution will

• allow us to add a new wing to Charity Hospital in Muncie, Indiana
• save the followers of Baha’i in Hindu Goa
• protect the elephants of Kenya tusk by tusk
• open a gold mine in Brazil
• help prostitutes around the corner from our office make some money
• find a cure for vaginal herpes

and, most importantly,

• improve the quality of my paycheck as president and CEO of The Price of Charity Is Charity Charity.

Your contribution will be matched dollar for dollar in Spanish pesetas. Ever since Spain went over to the Euro, there have been lots of pesetas floating around. They may be totally worthless, but we guarantee to match your donation in pesetas.

We get a 4.0 out of 5 rating from the Bupkis Institute.

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer, including my mother, my younger brother Tim and my Uncle Sid, all equally employed this holiday season.

Each time we count your money, we’ll say a prayer especially written for YOU!

Why is this man smiling? Why are you frowning? Happiness is a contribution to The Price of Charity Is Charity Charity.

Only speak Russian? Payem parusskii? Ne problema. Telephone our multi-lingual hotline. Ask for Natasha! One sexy lady.

We are listed in Checkbook. (Actually, we’re on their mailing list. Same thing!)

Bullets bounce off us.

So don’t make me ask twice. Things could get ugly. Let’s be friends and you send me that $10 contribution. Capiche?

I’d say “tax deductible,” but what d’ I know? I’m no tax expert! Call it a “maybe.”

Are you sitting??? For every $10 contribution, you will be sent, absolutely free, a complete, thoroughly dusted signed copy of the novel The Author’s Dolls from 1977. A wrenching characterization of author Kevin Feingold’s first marriage, this book was once banned (okay, some say panned ) by much of the publishing industry. Not available in stores!

Still reading? Huh boy! So far, I’ve only spoken of piddling contributions of $10. Should you choose to become one of our Lifetime Main Man Supporters ($100,000 and above), arrangements will be made for you to dine with the founder of our organization, my mom, tax accountant Mrs. Rose Feingold! Nu? Say you won the lottery and you’ve got money to burn. Good for you! The sky’s the limit at The Price of Charity Is Charity Charity. We’ll even buy an ambulance in your name and ship it to Soweto! (NOTE: This requires a $500,000 contribution or above. Used paramedical equipment don’t come cheap.)

If you’re worried that I’m some fly-by-night shyster, a quick list of my bona fides should dispel any such qualms: Graduated with a B. A. from the University of Maryland; U.S. Army (Ret.); featured on 2005 Dutch Antilles postage stamp.

Why contribute to us rather than some niggling, greedy, onerous, pushy charity that telephones you in the middle of dinner for a donation? Why? BECAUSE WE DON’T DO THAT! Listen, I don’t even OWN a telephone! (I use my mom’s.) But enough about me… Unlike Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty, we support gay marriage! I find lesbians strangely attractive.

On those occasions when we purchase office furniture manufactured in China (please, we’re only human), I nevertheless can assure you that not one pfennig of that money goes to financing al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria and Iraq. Others may do so. Not us!

Visit us online or at specially marked locations of Stolid Gold Cadillac Groceries. We’re over by the drug department. Where else?

Ask about our Spender’s Club ! You supply the moolah, we supply ideas how you should spend it! Or book a trip with Genocidal Travels to educational flashpoints like Darfur, Rwanda, Holocaust Poland, Bosnia or Tenerife.

Wait! There’s more! Send in your contribution right now and, for a limited time only, we are not responsible for misuse of our products or services, malfeasance, malpractice or claims of ownership by others than ourselves in both domestic and foreign markets. This disclaimer applies specifically to all activities in the Continental United States as well as American territories. Sorry, but there it is! This letter contains unrated, copyrighted material which may be inappropriate for young readers. Printed on recycled trash.   

And don’t forget this holiday season, everybody, eine Tonbandaufnahme von Willy Brandt im das deutsches Reichstag haben ich nicht.

So… God bless! And thanks a mil!

Sincerely,

K. Feingold

PS. Pls put yr traytables in the upright position. Thank you!

a 301 (c) 401 (k) 9/11, 4 X 5, 8 X 10 size 34B D-cup organization