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WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR THE FOLLOWING POSTAGE PAID ADVERTISEMENT. 

Announcer:  Hello! Look at this white lab coat! I wouldn’t be wearing a white lab coat if I wasn’t a qualified laboratory technician… or maybe even a medical doctor! Now would I? Of course not!

The good news is, yes, I am a doctor! I have a Ph. D. in Comparative Religion. I mean, if you can address Henry Kissinger as “Dr. Kissinger,” you can address me as “Doctor John.” Same difference. Listen, I wouldn’t trust Henry Kissinger to prescribe a band aid. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

Call me Dr. John! Here to share with you the good news regarding electrochemically enhanced foodstuffs. Why go hungry when the addition of a few electrochemically engineered genes, cells and what-have-you will allow us to grow enough food for everybody?! YOU’D HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO SAY “NO”!!!

People are starving in Darfur! People are starving in South Sudan! Those two— that my be the same place. We need to turn to electrochemically enhanced sources of protein, vitamins and minerals!

Look at this, I’m crying! Real tears of frustration. I don’t want to seem pushy, but if you don’t pull out your wallet anytime soon, you and I will be facing a major sales meltdown! Don’t just sit there! Reach for the phone and call the number at the bottom of the screen! Someone, somewhere— probably Mumbai— is waiting for your call. We’re multi-lingual— Hindi, Urdu, Vulcan and Pig Latin spoken here. Ucksay Onnay Isthay!

Now wait a minute! Don’t tune me out. What are the four kinds of commercials? There are humorous commercials— like this one! There are scary commercials. There are informative commercials. And, finally, there are entertaining commercials. So join us now as we present this humorously scary, informatively entertaining advertisement for electrochemically enhanced foods!

There isn’t enough to eat in the world. Here to tell us about it is beautiful, wholesome, blue-eyed, blond Peggy McGuire. Nobody who looks this good would steer you wrong! I’m right about that, aren’t I?

Peggy McGuire:  Hi-i-i! Aren’t I beautiful? You can trust me! Not only do I have this gorgeous complexion, flaxen hair and lustrous blue eyes, I am a winner! My husband Henrik works for a major multinational corporation. He earns a seven digit annual income, even if two of those digits are to the right of the decimal point!

            Even genetically, I’m gorgeous. This is my five-year-old son Hans and his three-year-old sister Gretchen. Look at those apple cheeks, their shining blue eyes and thatched blond hair. Aren’t they just adorable??? That just shows! You can trust me, my genes are the greatest! The kids haven’t learned to, y’ know, vocalize their thoughts yet, but we’re sure at some point they’ll learn to— you know— talk and all.

Meanwhile, give some thought to electrochemically enhanced food! You’ve heard of amino acids, Omega-3 lobster oil, phospholipids, antioxidants and the beneficial effects of fish oil, right? Here you get all of those benefits… and more! At a fraction of the cost. For you and your whole family!

So when they come knocking at your door, sign that petition in favor of electrochemically engineered food.

M-m-m-m, yum, yum, yum!

Wave to the camera, kids!

Announcer:  Well, I hope that’s decided you. Peggy and I wouldn’t steer you wrong, you know! We’re your friends. Omega-3 fatty acids DHA and EPA may just help you win the lottery. Stranger things have happened! And they’re guaranteed not to— you know— break down cell membranes or anything like that. Au contraire, this stuff is actually good for you!

So what’s your problem? If I tell you to eat your electrochemically altered fruits and veggies, DO IT! I can’t believe what a fuss you are making! Even Josef Mengele fed at least some of the victims of his laboratory experiments. Pavlov fed his dogs. True, Laika— the first pooch in space— was left up there floating around the planet to starve to death. Poor little Laika! A moment of silence for poor little Laika, please. Woof, woof!

. . .

Thank you! Even more reason to eat electrochemically fortified fruits, vegetables, baked goods and dog biscuits! Your dog will eat the dog biscuits, of course. I don’t mean to imply that you eat… you know… dog food or anything.

Speaking of munchies, the recreational marijuana industry in Colorado is taking its first baby steps. Or as we say in Denver, it “gits to git go!” Yesh! You git go, boychik! See, even homegrown can be a growth industry. Roxanne, turn on the blue light! Z-Z-Zap me, baby!!!

So what are you waiting for? Time slips away. Opportunity knocks. Complexity rears its ugly head. Fate kicks you down the stairs. My question is: When did these totally abstract concepts grow such human abilities?

Just askin’…

How about them Mets?

Listen, I’ve met John Carter! You can’t pull a wooly over my eyes! Speaking of which, I feel like Kit Carson here. Whenever anybody comes up with something new and worthwhile, there are always a load of nay-sayers crying “Foul!” DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! Go with the flow. Vote YES for electrochemically enhanced food.

Soon to appear on a grocery shelf near you!

This announcement has been brought to you by Goodness Gracious Farming Cooperative, a non-agricultural advertising entity with corporate offices on the Isle of Man in the U.K.