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            As you know, my blog post “Fat Like Arafat” went viral. It got over 30 hits (thirty!) in less than three days. Print is not dead! Nevertheless, Scully Media left this comment: “If you replace the Mexican beer advertisement with the original Swedish TV video of the Arafat interview, this will increase interest one hundred— if not one thousand— fold!” I was very grateful to Mr. Scully for his unsolicited advice. I thanked him effusively and paid him 1/100th of his requested honorarium. All is fair in love, war and business.

Shin Bet, the internal security service of Israeli intelligence, has also proven helpful. In their case, without requesting a donation, they provided the following unsolicited blow by blow transcript from the Black September & Red October Café in Ramallah. I love the Israeli defense establishment: Ostensibly, the email w/ attachment came from my old friend Baruch Atah Adonai.

Subject: F Y I.

You can’t get more concise or specific than that! Toda ra-ba, guys! Thank you very much! Oh, and Garden of Allah in White Flint Mall has closed. I’ll miss their hummus. F Y I.

Attachment: Transcript, Thurs. 16 January 2014, Ramallah, West Bank

Location: Black September & Red October Café

Time: 2:05 p.m. – 3:40 pm

Transcript has been redacted.

Resource: Aleph 1274 Gimel 34 Bet

Transcript follows.

Mahmoud: I like your shirt. Salvatore Ferragamo? Tommy Hilfiger?

Khaled: I wish! Ben Gazzi.

Mahmoud: Sit! What is wrong with you?

Khaled: I saw a stranger out front.

Mahmoud: You are in Ramallah now. It is not like in your village. You cannot know everyone! Sit.

Khaled: Insha’Allah. Have you seen the infidel’s blog? He claims there are feral dogs on our beautiful streets!

Mahmoud: That was a long time ago! That was before your time. We ate them all during the famine of 2006.

Khaled: How was I to know that? I have asked cleric Jamal al-Mufti to issue a fatwa to punish the infidel.

Mahmoud: So you are declaring a fatwa. Good! I can’t do all the work myself, you know! What did cleric al-Mufti say?

Khaled: He asked me if I was Iranian. The cleric says we Palestinians don’t issue fatwas, we assassinate our opponents with car bombs.

Mahmoud: This is true.

Khaled: But he said I could declare a fatwa as long as I keep his name out of it.

Mahmoud: Hey, wait a minute! Where is your laptop?

Khaled: Errrrr-r-r…

Mahmoud: What do you mean you don’t have your laptop? What good is a fatwa when no one has even heard of it?

Khaled: Keep your voice down! Everything is wired in Ramallah!

Mahmoud: Woman!

Khaled: Wait, I have a smartphone! I will tweet a message.

(pause)

Mahmoud: Well?

Khaled: I have a problem with the auto-correct function.

Mahmoud: Why? What does it say?

Khaled: It says “Brothers! The infidel has insulted us and we R going to get Viagra at 60% off.”

Mahmoud: Delete! You idiot! Start again. Text “The infidel has insulted us and we are marching to the border barricade in protest.”

(pause)

Khaled: Done!

Mahmoud: Let me see… Hey, wait a minute! This says “The infinite wrath insulated us from making to the hoarder barracuda in prosthesis.”

Khaled: Electronics is not my specialty, boss. Listen, why do we meet here? The coffee is miserable!

Ramzi: Les Misérables.

Mahmoud: Oh, you have awakened him! Bravo! He was up all night watching the Snow Bunny Awards on Jordanian television.

Khaled: Here, Ramzi! Look at this. You know electronics. I type in “Fatwa Kevin Feingold” and it says “My friend has a hairpiece.”

Ramzi: You must hold down the 0 and press the 1 key.

Khaled: Ah!

Mahmoud: I hate to say it, brothers, but this hummus is rancid.

Khaled: Here, Ramzi, you try!

(pause)

Mahmoud: Remind me again, young Khaled. What brought you to our movement?

Khaled: I believe I was brought here in a Citroën.

Mahmoud: I mean, what was your motivation to join us?

Khaled: Oh! My great grandfather lived in a village outside Tiberius. He had an olive orchard, lemon trees and date palms. When the Israeli army came, he approached the soldiers holding aloft a live grenade. The soldiers shot him before he could get close enough to ask how to disarm the grenade.

Mahmoud: Of course! We Palestinians are always the victim in these family histories.

Khaled: We want back our olive grove. With compound interest!

Mahmoud: I once knew an elderly man—

Khaled: Is this the start of a limerick?

Mahmoud: Please! Before the Nakba, Palestine was the Land of the Olive. We anointed ourselves in olive oil. We burned olive oil in our lamps.

Khaled: Actually, eating olives gives me cramps.

Mahmoud: Young Khaled, have you ever considered enlisting in Hamas?

Khaled: But that would mean relocating to Gaza!

Mahmoud: I say, young Khaled, have you ever considered enlisting in Hamas?

Ramzi: Okay, we try again. Maybe the phone will work now!

Khaled: Tweet “Fight the infidel and rape the horses.”

Mahmoud: Tweet “The sand is hot and irritates my hemorrhoids.”

Khaled: Well?

Ramzi: It came out “We lead revolution as soon as laundry done at half price.”

Mahmoud: Oh, that’s Suleiman Habibi’s. I get my laundry done there all the time.

Khaled: Why do French tourists come to this café expecting wine and song? What are they thinking?

Mahmoud: You are right! We should go to Starbucks at the Gamal Abdel Nasser Mall.

Ramzi: I hate that place! They charge for parking.

Mahmoud: You need to know the owner. I never pay for parking. Insha’Allah. Young Khaled here spends many hours online at their cyber café.

Khaled: I am engaged in a learned study.

Mahmoud: Ah, a history of the Palestinian liberation movement. This is very good!

Khaled: Actually, boss, I am writing a comparison between the American television documentaries “Gilligan’s Island” and its more recent spin-off “Lost.” As in Gaza, both are based on the premise of survivors stranded on a beach. Like us, these characters are struggling with the loss of their homeland. They find themselves cut off, unable to return to their homes and villages.

Mahmoud: American television? Surely you are joking! I don’t even take John Kerry’s phone calls!

Khaled: I do not joke! How do they handle the trauma? I think I can get tips from these programs about how we can better organize ourselves and regain our birthright. In one episode, Mary Ann—

Mahmoud: Enough! I shall read it when you finish. For now, let us stick to the issues at hand, please.

(pause)

Mahmoud: What are you texting now, brother?

Khaled: “Death to the imperialist running dog!”

Mahmoud: What are you, a Chinese communist?

(pause)

Mahmoud: Well?

Khaled: “We shall strike terror and get kabob at Fawzi’s.”

Mahmoud: Why did you tweet that?!

Khaled: Fawzi is my brother-in-law. He needs a little extra business. I’m using his phone.

Ramzi: Why are we trying to reinvent the wheel? Go to fatwa.com just like everybody else!

Khaled: But they charge a fee. I am trying to avoid that, brother.

Ramzi: Of course. I understand.

Mahmoud: Hey, wait a minute! I told you to post a selfie of us in warrior pose! The picture you posted looks like an overweight girl in sweatpants. A very ugly picture!

Khaled: Please don’t say that! She is my sister!

Mahmoud: She is fat like a camel’s hump! Has she been depressed? Does she have an eating disorder?

Khaled: Things are not good at home… Anyway, I came by to tell you I had our business cards printed.

Mahmoud: Good! Good! So that is what is in the box. I was hoping it was a car bomb, but let me see it, anyway.

Khaled: I myself have not yet looked, chief. I have left that honor to you.

Mahmoud: Good! Fine! Hey, wait a minute! What is this printing on the back?

Khaled: Oh! The printer gave us a discount if we allow advertising on the back of the card.

Mahmoud: But I don’t understand this. It says “Attention! If I collapse in Abu Dis or Hebron, please transport my body to Ramallah before notifying the authorities.”

Khaled: I believe that is the slogan of the Ramallah Chamber of Commerce.

Mahmoud: Hey, wait a minute! You reminded me! I told you: We shall reawaken the smoldering martyrs of Munich. WE ARE “BLACK SEPTEMBER”! Whatever happened to that? The new name thing?

Khaled: K’suh muck! I forgot to tell you! We’re getting sued by this band that have the rights in Europe.

Mahmoud: What rights?!

Khaled: It’s the name, boss. “Black September.” That’s their name in Europe. An all-girl heavy metal band.

Ramzi: Hey! Black September? I know their music! They are hot! They are the band that is protesting kitty videos on the Internet.

Mahmoud: This I do not condemn. I also oppose the exploitation of houris for vain male gratification.

Ramzi: These kitties are meow-type cats. Non-sexual.

Mahmoud: No matter! Hopefully cleric al-Mufti will give us permission to proclaim a fatwa against this heavy metal band Black September!

Khaled: Insha’Allah!

Ramzi: Insha’Allah!

(pause)

Khaled: Whoa, boss! The Israelis are on your Facebook account!

Mahmoud: Spawn of the Devil! Have they hacked my account?

Khaled: No, no, they are “friending” you.

Mahmoud: Why? What do they want now?

Khaled: It says “If you recognize Israel as a Jewish state, we offer 95% chance that we can arrange concerts in P. A. by both Justin Bieber and Justin Timberlake.”

Mahmoud: Israeli dogs! What kind of guarantees can they give? Neither of those young singers is a Jew!

Ramzi: I think the concert promoters are all Jews, boss.

Mahmoud: My answer is “no”! Reply: “Without Michael Bublé, Madonna and Beyoncé, no deal!”

Khaled: [ in English ] Okey-dokey!

Mahmoud: After that, get back on the name thing! 

(20 minute pause)

Khaled: Boss! This was a successful mission. No one else lays claim to this name! It is ours—

Mahmoud: Not another “PLO” debacle, please! Not another “Parent Liaison Organization” in Akron, Ohio. What is it this time?

Khaled: Our new name! For our organization. We are now “Black & Blue Suspenders of the Levant At Half Price.”

Ramzi: You need to get the auto-correct function fixed on Fawzi’s phone, brother.

Mahmoud: And the fatwa against the infidel? Fidel? Feinstein? Fernwhistle?

Khaled: Kevin Feingold! I’m right on it, chief!

End of transcript.

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