yustyoking

How exciting to see that the late Swedish writing duo of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are to receive an American publication of their epic modern novel. Originally entitled “The Girl With the Star-Spangled Cunt” (Flickan med den stjärnspäckade fittan), the American publisher has wisely adapted the title to a more politically correct “The Girl With the Bodacious Bod.”

Considering what Swedish editor Henrik T. Polsson did to their ms., it surprised no one that authors Rosencrantz and Guildenstern formed a suicide pact and took their lives on the island of Tenerife. Although their heirs were scandalized when Bulgar Air refused to refund half the ticket price, for the unused return portion of the trip.

Saddled with a 1,000 page manuscript, H. T. Polsson decided to pluck out and cobble together the most salacious material, publishing as chick lit what had originally been a leftwing screed.

“I didn’t think it would sell more than 10,000 copies,” Polsson explained on Sveriges Radio’s Dagens eko. “Okay, I was off by a few thousand.”

In reality, that original Swedish edition sold only 3,000 copies.

Hopefully, in English, with a press run of 500,000 in paperback, this rampant tale of corpulence and unbridled corruption will outsully and outsell the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

Forget hacking. Our heroine, statewide nerd Silvia de Plathelovich, combines feminine wiles and genius-level IT smarts to outwit… well, men. Bashing several to death with her trusty laptop. Long live Acer!

Only the most rudimentary level of computer literacy is required. To wit: “Reaching and groping, groaning and moping, she employed her left hand to assiduously motivate Erik by stealthily pulling his pud. Surprisingly, this actually worked! As Erik erupted into volcanic ejaculation, he simultaneously blurted aloud the computer code, a long string of ones and zeroes. Possessing a photographic memory, Silvia happily purred ‘Gotcha!’ and released Erik’s quickly sagging appendage.”

Outside a meeting of the Nordic Institute of Theoretical Physics in Stockholm— where physicists are debating the qualities of black holes— Silvia leads protesters carrying signs that say “Dark Matter Lives!” When confronted by journalists, she sounds like a new Pat Benatar: “Throw up your rockfist! Black holes deserve more respect. Depression is no joke. Knowledge breeds despair. Read Camus! The only known cure is more cowbell. We can be heroes, if just for one day. Can you calculate your way to freedom? Prime-number factorization always leads to a long and winding road of digits. Ha, ha, said the clown, but girls just want to have fun! Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose. Many algorithms are self-taught. All we are saying, is people are starving for an intellectual approach to network TV and the secrets of the universe. Hit me with your best shot! Select Ph.D. candidates for The Bachelorette. America’s got talent, but no answers. I can’t get no satisfaction. There’s nothing theoretical about it.”

Meanwhile, Märklig Corporation VP of Marketing Sven Rasmus Svensson has been demoted to washing windows and watering the flowers on the company verandah. I expected the authors to further develop Svensson’s character, but instead he is killed off by bad guys, either Ukrainian rebels demanding a Free Republic of Donetsk or ISIS terrorists. No fear, this puzzling event— as well as everything else— culminates in white supremacists from The Sweden Democrats Party burning down half the suburbs of Malmö, although only the immigrant half. This takes place on pages 347 – 361. The pagination is exquisite.

A press release from the publisher indicates (1) support for a Draft Obiden movement and (2) that the release date for this book and the suggested retail price are still pending.

A summer read for any month of the year!