yustyoking

            Ring!

            “Hello?”

            “Hello! This is your candidate for Town Council, Barry Abramowitz!

            “I’m asking for your support in the upcoming election against incumbent Johnson T. Johnson. After two decades in office, Johnson has failed to provide the most basic of services. Where are the things they promised us!? Things like scented phonebooks, glow-in-the-dark sewers and traffic cameras sensitive enough to identify the nationality of the vehicle’s driver, check the license plate against a national database and automatically notify the police of illegal aliens.

            “Now that’s what I call technology!

            “What’s Johnson been doing the last 20 years?! Why don’t we have that stuff?

            “Click on the devil icon for more oppositional research about my opponent!

            “Here’s a brain-teaser. X plus three equals Y divided by 2. What is the value of voting for Obama?

            “Oh, I know what you’re thinking! ‘That clever Barry Abramowitz has found a NEW way of contacting the electorate.’ What’s my point? YOU are special! Only owners of BlackBerries, iPhones, Zonks, Coots, Bloops and Farts are receiving this message. It’s not going out as an email. This call is not available on landlines! It’s specifically for YOU, smartphone smartie!

            “You know how important it is to vote! You know how important it is to stay connected! Whether walking home from school, your place of employment or shopping, you know to tell classmate, coworker or soul mate, ‘I’m now crossing South 2^nd Street at the crosswalk with The 1812 Highway. Now I’m walking on the sidewalk adjacent to Walgreen’s.’ Important stuff! You know how important it is to text people, ‘Eating dinner @ Pauley’s. Soft shell crab excellent but expensive. U’ll never guess who sitting next table!’ You know to include a photo of your meal. You know to tweet your followers, ‘Tired. GTB. More tomorrow.’

            “Naturally, this message has both an auditory and a visual component. Please peruse my collection of pet photos, childhood photos, oh! That’s Christmas 1981! I know you, also, share fond memories of your youth.

             “Ignore Obama and his ‘compelling personal narrative.’ We had a life, too, y’know! Let’s get those good times back again, people!

             “The way things used to be before Johnson T. Johnson and the current gang took over the Town Council! Back when Our Gang ran local government. Our way! The American way! You know! Us! White folk!

            “Now, I’m not a racist, nothing could be farther from my heart! I just pine for a different set of values. A time when there was an abundance of produce on the shelves of our grocery stores, an abundance of faith in the pews of our synagogues and churches, an abundance of gasoline, an abundance of jobs, an abundance of alcohol in the bloodstream of America’s business community.

             “When bouffant hair-do’s meant something!

             “When a Rotarian was a highly respected member of the community.

            “Those values!

            “1950’s America! When this country stood tall, and didn’t find it necessary to apologize to anyone, be they hairless refugees dying of radiation sickness in Nagasaki or what have you. A proud nation! Indivisible! With liberty and justice for all!

            “Really, like Obama, my views don’t matter. What’s important is that I am a good person.

            “If elected, I will champion making Ramallah in the West Bank our Sister City. We can provide them with fiber optics and dollars. They can provide us with wooden matchsticks and hummus. Long live international peace, Patty Hearst, and the Symbionese Liberation Rhythm and Go-Go Band, in that order!

            “Thank you! Vote for me in the Democratic primary! You’ll find my name under the B’s, unfortunately. I wanted the A’s. You know, aleph, first letter of the alphabet. Abramowitz. But my opponent’s cronies have classified me as a bigot, so my name is listed under the B’s… B for Barry.

            “Never-the-less, we the voters, won’t be fooled again! Don’t make me throw myself off a roof, like that schlemiel Lieberman! Vote for Barry!

            “Unlike my opponent, this call has NOT been paid for with your hard-earned tax dollars.

             “Paid for by Friends of Fair Government, a Political Action Committee. Send your contributions by clicking on the dollar icon displayed on your screen!

             “Thank you!”

                                                        *