yustyoking

            There’s an old adage about cursing the darkness or lighting a candle. Since I’m so disappointed in the current administration, last week, on May 15, I volunteered for the Blackie Diamond reelection campaign. As a speechwriter.

            Who knows, maybe my Maryland ideas can influence policy in the right direction.

            “My parents dreamed the impossible dream,” I have the candidate declare, arms spread wide, addressing the Class of 2012 on some pristine college campus. “It didn’t turn out so good. They found their goal was, in fact, IMPOSSIBLE. They did, however, do some other stuff— “ Yada, yada, yada, Diamond can tell what he and his parents had / have for their vision of America.

            “”New technology, new energy sources will transform our way of life!” I wrote. “Instead of fracturing the bedrock of the planet to release natural gas, we should utilize the natural gases on hand! Let us find a way to harness the enormous quantities of methane gas produced hourly by this country’s dairy cattle! By 2020, our slogan will be, ‘America runs on bovine gases!’ Cow farts and cow pies are natural sources of energy already readily available! New technology will allow us to tap into this previously untapped energy resource. It’s out there for the taking! Go to my website and click on the Jezebel the Cow icon to learn more.

            “There’s an obesity epidemic among our young people, while Latino day laborers mow our lawns, wash our cars, sweep our porches, wash our windows and paint our houses. What’s wrong with this picture? Re-institute child labor! Let our children have the same childhood we had! All that smelly, gunky, gooey, buggy, itchy, sweaty physical exertion has made us who we are today! Plunging toilets has made us strong! If I see a child watching TV, I send him into the backyard to sweep the redwood deck and pluck up fallen twigs. There’s always something more to do around the house! That’s the nature of living. ‘Vacuum the carpets, kid! ‘

            Seriously, folks, we have to separate business and medicine. Health care shouldn’t be an economic issue. Like national defense or universal primary school education, it should be a basic requirement of this nation. The richest, most powerful nation in the world, and we can’t provide basic health care for our citizenry? Shame on us! Shame on our politicians for making health care a political football!

            “Other nations are like New Yorkers: Their only concern is ‘What have you done for me today?’ We should enter every foreign entanglement with our baseball caps securely fastened on our heads, ready to get up and walk out at a moment’s notice. The Afghans don’t like us? Bye-bye! ‘Solve your own damn problems with the Taliban, you ass-holes! Don’t forget to turn out the lights on your way out.’

            “The bullshit has gone on for too long. Cut to the chase! Economically, politically, militarily, and in every other way! It is time to stop squabbling and making speeches while nothing gets accomplished. I know! Speeches are all I do.

            “It’s time for this country to GET REAL!”

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            Speechwriter for the president! Turns out I was dreaming the impossible dream. The FBI vetted me, testing the paper, the ink and my PC to be sure I wasn’t cutting and pasting someone else’s brainchilds, but I didn’t get the job.

            “With your background,” suggested my White House contact helpfully, “you should consider becoming an AID worker in Afghanistan.”

            “People are getting… killed doing that,” I remarked over the phone, barely restraining myself from dropping the F bomb.

            “You should consider becoming an AID worker in Afghanistan,” he repeated.                                

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