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            “Good afternoon! When Anthony Weiner’s latest impropriety was first revealed on the gossip website ‘the Dirty,’ I told my Secretary of the Navy, ‘This could have been my little brother. He’s only three years younger than me!’ Sibling rivalry, I once threw Anthony off Air Force One for criticizing my health care initiative. Now that he’s screwed the pooch, I can identify with his issues. Another way of saying that is, ‘Except for the vigilance of the NSA, Anthony Weiner could be me!’

“I made a speech ten days ago about civil rights, telling what it is like to be a black man. I am a drum major for justice, peace, and righteousness. That little talk won acclaim all over the globe. The American people elected me based on my prowess as a motivational speaker. If I’m not making a speech, I am not fulfilling my role as president. Since that last speech went so well, I decided today to address what it is to be a man. Any man… An adult male. Here in America.

“We men see things differently than do women and children. What young man hasn’t felt the eyes of salesgirls following him as he walks through a department store? Or heard the click of car doors unlocking in the parking lot of a honky tonk bar as you saunter by late at night? Many of us enter an office, only to find the women holding their breath and clutching their pens nervously, eating us up with their stares. That happens to me. All the time! It is from this perspective that we men view our place in society. Testosterone fueled, it is a viewpoint that doesn’t go away.

“I know the people of New York will find it odd, but I belong to a beleaguered minority of males who actually LIKE women. There you have it! I know it’s unusual for a president to say this, but I AM HETEROSEXUAL. I like the female of the species.

“Since I’m not running for reelection, I can finally say these things. I no longer need to subject myself to Q and A’s. I can say whatever I like! And I have the courage to speak out. I wish to be remembered as brave, striding unannounced— as I did today— into the White House press briefing room. Daniel into the lions’ den! That takes balls! Of which I have two. Both functional, according to the White House physician.

“I speak today without a Teleprompter. I speak extemporaneously, cribbing only from note cards here on the podium. That takes courage. The courage to be a man!

“We men have experienced the scowl of teenage girls. You give them a hungry glance. They look back with an expression that says, “Ew-w-w! What a dirty old geezer!” They sulk. Yet these same girls will go bananas over Justin Bieber. Even Dana Carvey’s “Church Lady” character on SNL showed how the most straight-laced woman can wet her panties over the Bieb. Of course, Justin Bieber is only 19 years old. I say: ‘You go, boy! I can tell you, it don’t last.’

“Veneers give you a smile like a white picket fence, but nothing turns back the hands of time! Except Viagra™, of course.

“I play golf, a game rich with innuendo about kissing your balls and making your putz go straight.

“Even Charles Schulz’s beloved character Snoopy knows that to attract the beach bunnies, you gotta have jams that match your surfboard. And I know surfing!

“Many women can tell you, political power is a heady aphrodisiac. To women’s libbers everywhere, I say, ‘Your time has passed. Get over it! You don’t see the Muslim Brotherhood bewailing the plight of women.’ I advocate the viewpoint of Stokely Carmichael: ‘The position of women in the Movement should be prone.’ But it’s all right because I’ve told Oprah and she both understands and forgives me. We’re all capitalists here in America. You make a billion dollars running your own TV show and they treat you like a god. That’s a good thing! I’m doing penance for my misbehavior by watching episodes of ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show.’ — No comment. — Since my wife is a strong-minded woman, I need to mind my p’s and q’s here at the White House.

“Anthony Weiner. I mean, with a name like that, what did you expect? No wonder he can’t get his mind off his wee willy. He thinks the number was three, the number of ladies with whom he engaged in lewd conduct. But it may have been six or maybe nine! Since it’s hard to tell what some women might find inappropriate, according to Weiner. Sexting grab shots of his crotch. Forty-eight years old, running for mayor of New York City, he gives interviews in Coney Island, home of the famous Nathan’s hot dog. Anthony Weiner has wieners on the brain! I’m not going to move forward with criticism, however, since public condemnation of indiscrete behavior remains at traditional levels. I can empathize with Weiner’s wife, Paula Abdul. I had lunch here at the White House today with Hillary Clinton, and we all know what happened during her tenure as First Lady. Now that Weiner’s on YouTube, it’s just a matter of hours before new revelations get released on WikiLeaks. The truth wants to be freed. I remember when Access Hollywood was considered a big deal. That just shows how dated I am!

“Perhaps my Zorro costume perturbs you. Please! I am not incognito. I am merely channeling the great Carlos Danger ! Soon to be made into a major motion picture. I never got to Comic-Con in San Diego, so here’s a little dressy-uppy at the old W. H. My daughters like it!

“I say to Americans everywhere: ‘We are all Carlos Danger!’

“Carlos! We feel your pain. Even if your real name turns out to be Anthony. The LGBT community has your back. Viva Zapata!

“Are there second acts in American politics? Yes, there are! The trick is to keep the audience from vacating the premises during the intermission.”