yustyoking

            I saw Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby the other night. Spoiler alert! Gatsby dies at the end. Shocking! Whatever happened to Hollywood’s happy endings? F. Scott who…?

*

            I need to come to grips with who I am. All too often, as of late, when confronted by college girls, home for the summer,

looking for fun,

looking for love,

never mind why,

all of the above!

I find myself running away. Instead of hanging out, I’m grinding out angry “humor” posts on my blog that leave all 19 of my readers wondering who lit a fire under my ass!

*

            In his screenwriting book, Blake Snyder insists that early on, in order to be liked, a hero needs to do something nice, like “save the cat!” (The title of Blake’s book.) Imperiled kitty, nice guy hero. No wonder my blogs never go viral! By the second paragraph, I should be proving my bona fides as a kind, humane protagonist/narrator. Gad! I never do that.

So— to show what a darling old softie I am— I have contributed one tenth of last month’s salary, $216 in bitcoins, to the Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Virtual Defense Fund. He’s a good-looking young dude. The prosecution has video, photos, eyewitnesses, fingerprints and computer links all tying Dzhokhar to his crimes. That makes him an underdog. Everyone deserves a fighting chance during their days in court. Just look at that creep Pfc. Bradley Manning who was obviously GUILTY AS SIN of aiding and abetting America’s WORST ENEMIES and STILL GOT A FREEBIE, did NOT Pass Go or Collect $200! But I digress…

Let us continue with the story currently in progress.

Like Blake Snyder, I’ve divided my version of the perfect structure for a summer blockbuster screenplay into 15 “points of light” and given them names. Blake calls these “beats.” Same thing. I don’t really get the three act formula, so I’ve arbitrarily plucked together “the good stuff” and put it in a dramatically enticing order. I call this method, Summer Bummer Flockbuster Storytelling With A Bang!

by Kevin Feingold

            This is not plagiarism since I have yet to read Blake Snyder’s book! So far, I’ve browsed the Table of Contents and first chapter on Amazon.com and ordered a paperback copy for $11.90. Bundling my purchase with a rap CD and a Tom Cruise movie on DVD, the total exceeded $25. Using FREE Super Saver Shipping, my goodies will arrive in 5 – 8 business days. Legally, ignorance is bliss!

So, on a gorgeous summer evening, when I should be going into DC with a dark-haired, fiery-eyed teenage cutie on my arm, instead I divide my time between cleaning portions of my mom’s basement and composing this guide.

The Find Gold Formula For Summer Hits

1. Incongruous Detail or Introducing Main Character, pgs. 1 – 6

2. Wet Noodle Strike I or Intro Main Conflict, pgs. 7 – 12

3. Save The Raccoon or Intro Sidekick, pgs. 13 – 18

4. National Tragedy or Intro Bad Guy, pgs. 19 – 24

5. Death of A Giant or Boy Meets Girl, pgs. 25 – 30

6. Local Tragedy or Bad Guy Gathers His Troops, pgs. 31 – 36

7. Death of Thor or Boy & Girl Hang Out, pgs. 37 – 42

8. Very Local Tragedy or Bad Guy Takes Over Detroit. Yawn! pgs. 43 – 48

9. Death of Hope or Informing the White House, pgs. 49 – 54

10. Wet Noodle Strike II or Boy & Girl Make Love, pgs. 55 – 60

11. Save The Lions or The President Decides To Make A Speech, pgs. 61 – 66

12. Deathly Pale or Boy Kicks Bad Guy’s Ass, pgs. 67 – 72

13. HA HA HA! or All Is Well… Until It’s Not (or False Victory!) pgs. 73 – 78

14. Climax or POW! Boy & Girl Defeat Agents of Evil, pgs. 79 – 84

15. Denouement or Sunset at Campobello, pgs. 85 – 90

I know! Either you’re asking “Where are the zombies?” or “How in the world am I suppose to use THIS to customize my movie idea?” That’s what EXAMPLES are for, silly! Although since you’re a paying customer, I would never demean you by calling you “silly” or any other derogatory remark, so help me God! That said, an Example:

Synopsis or What Is This Goldbrick? –

Mad Scientist Ernst Stavro Johnson trains great white sharks to attack beachgoers en masse. Think Sherman’s Lagoon without the humor. Carlos Danger, the only person on the planet not otherwise occupied, is selected by a secret society at the University of Virginia, The Seven Society, to address this threat to all mankind. We’re talking Charlie’s Angels with the three sexy vixens replaced by a man in a Zorro costume.

While there have been 30 shark attacks in the Carolinas, counting both North and South, in the last five years, Chamber of Commerce spokesman Erskine McNally says, “At least half of those attacks should be discounted since those sharks were Republicans and they were here first.” Scientists tell us you have a 1-in-11.5 million chance of being bitten by a shark, which is comforting to everyone but the swimmers and surfers under attack. “Sharks feed on seals,” McNally explains. “Avoid places like Pearl Harbor, Hawaii and Coronado, California where there are large concentrations of Navy SEALs. Also, I’ve written to the Vatican, requesting a papal bull from Pope Francis, excommunicating any non-Republican shark that munches on a human being.”

A thematic element that runs through the narrative is people’s use of smartphones to take digital photos of one another. Usually photoshopping Bill Clinton or the Eiffel Tower into the background. Life as a series of “truthy” still photographs.

In a thrilling courtroom confrontation, mad scientist Johnson is accused of aiding and abetting the animal kingdom. “What would you prefer?” he shouts. “That I side with the plants?! If you cut me, do I not bleed? Real blood?” Anthony Weiner cameos as the judge.

In order to get away from the sharks, the second half of the movie is basically Olympus Has Fallen relocated to the mountain ruins of Peru’s Inca city Machu Picchu. The 7,970 foot elevation provides many opportunities for cliff-hangers and scenic aerial views.

*

            Tip: No one can leapfrog into a great screenplay without an AMD™ FX 8350-unlocked Black Edition processor (also useful for gaming), the Microsoft™ Wireless Comfort Desktop 5000 BlueTrack keyboard and mouse, a Gigaworks™ Series II T40 Speaker System with BasXPort, a Tt eSports™ SHOCK Foldable Professional Gaming Headset with noise-cancelling microphone, a GoFlex™ 3 TB Thunderbolt Desktop external hard drive, a PoE™ Dome Internet Camera with 350° side-to-side pan and 160° up-and-down tilt, a vivitek™ 3D Digital Projector that converts 2D content into 3D imagery, a 128 GB Retina display iPad™ and Smart Cover (preferably in fire engine red), an executive chair, a ream of paper and a pen. Hey, you can always upgrade later!

When in doubt, specify slo-mo and motion capture technology. Wasn’t it Walt Disney who said, “Everybody likes a cartoon”?

MY theory is that within any genre, movies cost about the same to produce, whether we’re watching a blockbuster or a yawner. The difference is the script. Write something compelling. Think inside, outside and upside the box. Don’t be afraid your stuff is derivative. After 5,000 years of human civilization, it’s not easy to come up with anything new! Complete your manuscript. Remember, each page represents one minute of film. Then start beating your brains out trying to find anyone in America who is the least bit interested in what you have to say! Join the club.

Love you guys!

– Kevin