yustyoking

 

[ Eric Hill, British author of the “Spot” children’s books, has passed away at the age of 86. A benign Snoopy for the younger set, Spot’s titles included “Where’s Spot?” (publ. 1980), “Spot Goes to the Park,” “Spot Goes to School,” “Spot’s First Words” and “Spot on the Move.” Spot on, old bean! ]                                        

 

*****                   *****                   Chapter One                   *****                   *****

 

See Spot run. For Congress! Since Eric Cantor lost the primary in Virginia’s 7th Congressional District to a Tea Party activist, kids, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Since Spot is a dog, he is running as a write-in candidate. Virginia’s Sore Loser Law prevents Eric Cantor from even having his name on the ballot as an Independent. Should Eric decide to run, he too will be a write-in.

Do you know any sore losers at your day care, kids?

See Spot’s owner. He is Émile du Pont. See his soup-strainer moustache. See his blue beret. Émile is French. They are bad! They are not Americans. They are anti-American. Confusion to the French!

Even with a Green Card, Émile is an immigrant. They look different than us and speak funny. Immigrants are bad! They are not Americans. Ask Spot: WE AMERICANS ARE BEST!!!

Although Émile and Spot remain hot for bachata, a kind of romantic music from the Dominican Republic. Do you like to dance to South American music, kids? Have you ever danced a salsa or a rhumba? Do you know any narco ballads, celebrating life in the cartels? Did you ever see Marlon Brando in the movie Viva Zapata!…?

See Émile’s Green Card. It allows Émile to remain in America and take care of Spot. Émile is a legal alien. Émile is the one who came up with the idea of Spot running for Congress. Émile says, “This sure ain’t Kansas, Toto!”

Do you know anyone in your neighborhood who is French and running their dog as a write-in candidate for Congress?

 

*****                   *****                   Chapter Two                 *****                   *****

 

See Émile’s car. Émile drives a Tesla Model S. It is an electric car. It costs $91,000. Émile drives an expensive car because he can.

Émile makes his money in apps. Émile has created an app called “Zexy.” Using GPS and pheromone-based algorithms, it helps young men to find sexy women. Émile is, like, super rich!

It’s impossible to live chic in the county of Goochland, northwest of Richmond, Virginia, but— big fish in a small pond— at least being somebody means you REALLY ARE SOMEBODY. Émile’s house is a country estate surrounded by rolling hills.

Émile takes Spot to the dog park. See Spot play bow before Godzilla, a Canaan dog from Benghazi. Spot’s other friends are Fifi the French poodle and Max the German shepherd. They play tag and “What do I smell you just sat on?”

See the man with the German accent. He is Günter. He lives next door to Spot. He gives Spot doggie treats. Günter’s doggie treats are stale. Even though Günter doesn’t know his treats are stale, this makes him a bad man! This is called “the German paradox.”

The Germans side with the traitorous hacker Edward Snowden in Moscow over NSA surveillance of German chancellor Angela Merkel’s cell phone. Bad Germans! Time to tear them a new fanny, kids!

The man in the blue uniform is the mailman. Spot likes to play with the mailman, barking up a storm, biting the mailman’s leg and urinating on his shoes. Spot likes the mailman. The mailman dislikes Spot with a vehemence bordering on psychosis. He also delivers the mail.

Are you friends with your mailman? Do you urinate on his shoes? Even in fun?

 

*****              *****              Chapter Three              *****              *****

 

This is Glendale, Spot’s neighborhood. See all the trees. They are Spot’s friends. Spot uses the trees to relieve himself. Which is a good thing.

See the squirrels? They are the enemy! They lurk in the trees chattering. They throw nuts and acorns at Spot and Émile. They are very bad. “This sure ain’t Kansas, Toto!” says Émile. Little Billy Jenkins should take his BB gun and shoot the squirrels, but that’s not allowed in suburbia.

Spot’s young friends are Juan and Margarita. See them dressed in short-sleeved tees emblazoned with a portrait of the president over the text “Obama Deports Parents!” Juan and Margarita take Spot for long walks up by Miller’s Creek. There they discuss their hopes and dreams for the future while vaping on e-cigarettes. Spot whines pitifully when the vapor stings his eyes, making his nose run. Zonked out, Juan and Margarita hardly notice.

See the front page of the newspaper. This bearded, Pashto-spouting young man was an American POW in the clutches of the Taliban. For five whole years! America traded him for five blood-thirsty insurgents held captive in our prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Some people think that trade-off was, like, TOTALLY BOGUS. Of course, as the White House says, anyone who criticizes the president’s war policy is “swiftboating.”

Have you ever swiftboated, kids? How swift is your boat?

See the man with the briefcase. He is town councilman Bob Wilson. He has been a town councilman for almost 30 years! He is immovable. Mister Wilson says “If I didn’t know what’s best for Glendale, I wouldn’t keep getting re-elected!” He gets re-elected because he has the biggest campaign war chest. He gets his contributions from contractors. They give Mister Wilson campaign contributions and he steers town contracts their way. This is called “being a booster, in favor of growth and development.” Mister Wilson poo-poos anyone who opposes growth and development.

Thanks to Mister Wilson, Glendale has 157 speed humps. The Town Council jocularly calls them “bumps in the road of life.” The Town Council thinks speed humps save lives and enrich their relatives. Who are paving contractors.

The Town Council also wants to build a streetcar along Beulah Boulevard. A streetcar in Goochland County makes as much sense as a skyscraper in the Amazon jungle. See the pretty picture of the streetcar? Isn’t it great? You wouldn’t think it could get stuck in traffic, but one flake of snow or rush hour traffic jam and THAT BABY AIN’T GOIN’ NOWHERE!!! How swift is that???

Try explaining this to the Town Council, visions of dollar bills floating inside their heads.

Spot and Émile are fashioning Spot’s campaign for Congress on the “Mister Wilson model.” Sponsorship. Big bucks. Spot eats National Brand Dog Chow™. It makes his glossy coat shine and provides Spot with over 40 vitamins and minerals for healthy growth and strong teeth!

Honest to a fault, Spot’s grin is real! Real canines, real molars. Unlike America’s president, Spot doesn’t wear veneers.

When elected, Spot intends to outlaw German immigrants, forbid speed humps and oppose streetcars. The Town Council considers Spot a backward-leaning Neanderthal.

 

*****                   *****                   Chapter Four                   *****                   *****

 

See the pretty lady. Her name is Suzanne. People call her “Susie.” She is Émile’s special friend. No man is an island. Obviously Émile is going to have friends. See Susie’s wide hips. Her curvy legs, low cut jeans, full bosom and bleach blond hair. The neighbors think Susie is a little out of line. When Susie visits Émile, he puts Spot outside in the backyard.

Émile keeps Susie way separate from the campaign. This is the campaign office in the living room of Spot’s house. See all the laptops, yard signs and campaign buttons? Émile records all his expenditures. He does this so the Election Commission can review the campaign’s contributions, costs and funds-in-escrow.

See the photograph? That’s a photoshopped image of Spot visiting Bo the Waterdog on the south lawn of the White House.

Those brown cardboard boxes are filled with colorful mailers that Spot and Émile send to voters in Virginia’s 7th Congressional District around Richmond. See the colorful mailer. The man in the photo is one of Spot’s opponents. He is a professor of economics at Randolph-Macon College. See how the mailer defaces his portrait with a Hitler moustache and swastika eyeballs. The mailer quotes newspaper articles, pointing out bad things he has supported in the past. This is called opposition research.

See the protesters marching in the street. They are called “activists.” They ring doorbells, going door to door in the 7th Congressional District. They make sure people know how to write-in Spot’s name on the ballot in November. Spot’s opponents call them “political operatives” and make a fuss over how much money Émile pays them. HA! WHAT DO THEY KNOW?

Do you get an allowance, kids, for doing chores around your house?

 

*****                   *****                   Chapter Five                   *****                   *****

 

See the fat man. He is Bob Jones. He is Spot’s campaign manager, a hired gun chosen specifically to organize the college student cadres and sic them on the public. He has done this many times before. “This sure ain’t Kansas, Toto!” says Bob Jones. “When all else fails, use the Cooter Effect in the primary: Cross-over voters from our camp cast votes for the weakest contender on their side. It leaves them vulnerable and gums up the works! Happens every time!” chuckles Bob Jones.

This is called “American politics.”

See the nervous, mousy lady picking at her skimpy red hair. She is Betty Mills, the campaign treasurer. She is a Catholic. Raised by nuns, she is one neurotic Nervous Nelly. “Nobody’s allowed in this house without a numbered badge and a name tag!” she rants. “I won’t be surrounded by strangers!”

See the suave dude in shorts and a Monty Python T-shirt. He is Ray Chambers, the yard sign guy. Spot’s yard signs hammer home his slogan: “This sure ain’t Kansas, Toto! ”

When Ray the yard sign guy bitches to Bob Jones that he has no official title, helpful as always, Bob christens Ray the “visibility coordinator.” When Ray is introduced to state senator Tom Weiskopf at a fundraiser, Weiskopf listens for 90 seconds and interrupts, saying “I guess you can’t judge a campaign by its visibility coordinator!”

Such is life in the ‘burbs of Richmond, Virginia.

Spot ignores all these dudes and plays with his chew toy. See Spot play.

 

*****                   *****                   The End                   *****                   *****

 

Next in the series: “Spot Goes Negative” —   Coming Soon!