yustyoking

GRU.ru dokumenta 3.052, Operatzia Aurora

Gleetings! Here is Little Bear. Is 2 weeks to Erektion Day in Amerika! But Erektion 2018 is cancel. U no go polling place where U meet type MS-13 Middle Eastern terrorist, all kinds bad experience!!! U no go! U no wote! Spasibo.

Me worry ’bout U! U good person. U no want 2 meet Middle Eastern MS-13 type terroristii. Better U stays home. Eat nachos. Watch RT. Very attractive Russian ladies on RT. U sit on couch and satisfy personal need. Is okay! Better than meeting Moslem terroristii at polling place, yes?

Prezident Grump — codename “Pterodactyl Pete”— him fly all over country, him hold rallies. Harashow! Him good. We no write speeches which him give. Him speeches BETTER than we can write! Him talk off cuff. Him make things up. Him genius!

Fun fakt: Air Force One weigh same as 65 male African elephants = 800,000 pounds.

That very heavy. Who knew? Of course, 65 male African elephants no can fly. Grump make good prezident when those 65 male African elephants learn 2 fly. Like Dumbo, but bigger. The 747 version Dumbo.

Me read this fakt at KIDSPOST in Washington Post. Also, me watch Russian TV. Washington Post BETTER than Russian TV. Less fake news. Who knew? Yust think, with Prezident Grump on board Air Force One. Hooboy! Aircraft weigh A LOT MORE than 800,000 pounds!

Caravan is coming! Like, Honduran apocalypse. Any ballet dancers in caravan? Russian ballet dancers best in whole world. Unfortunately, none of migrant laborers R Russian ballet dancer. Maybe next caravan include Russian ballet dancers.

A warm dacha and place on Politburo awaits pivo-swilling Justice Kavanofsky when he tire of Amerika. Have U consider coaching figure skaters, herr Justice Kavanofsky? Figure skating very big in Rossiya! You should try. You like. Also, many judges in Rossiya drink. No one criticize U here in Rossiya 4 swilling pivo. Men drink. Is very Russian. U get drunk, U paw lady, maybe U throw up on carpet. All is okay! You big fanny judge. (Sorry! Not know right expression in Henglish.)

Amerika National Security Advisor John Bolton — codename “Bushy Lip”— him come 2 Moskva this week and say our meddling in 2018 election “intolerable.” Personally, I find John Bolton meddling in our meddling 2 B intolerable. Hey, John boy, who ask you??? We no tell U how to run you shop, U no tell us. Spasibo!

U. S. Congress no longer in session between now & Erektion Day. Why?! Where is Congress??? U got time, we invite U 2 Rossiya. U come. U drink wodka. U have fun with Russian ladies. Nema problema. This no problem. We record everything 4 U very own travel wideo!!! “Fun Times During [Your name here] ’s Trip to Moskva, St. Petersburg & Orlov.” These recordings available in a variety of formats. Even Betamax! (Guess what kind of school in Orlov. SPY SCHOOL! — codename “Red Sparrow”— but sh-h-h-h, it B our little secret…) We in GRU study Amerikan “Art of Deal.” We Russians & U make deal. We believe U can obey two masters, nobody be wiser. U enjoy owning dacha, U feast on Beluga caviar, we provide unlimited wodka, U enjoy our beautiful Russian ladies! U see! U gonna want 2 B super kind 2 Rossiya. Big time. Is called realpolitik. Is good!

Pazhalsta! Me feel like me now is walking, talking travel brochure: “The Splendiferous Sights & Experiences of Rossiya on $555 a day!” Ritz-Carlton is right across from Kremlin. Is nice hotel. Maybe U make pee-pee on bed in hotel room. Maybe these ablutions get caught on tape = pee-pee tape. But enough about pee-pee.

Hooboy! Now Amerika U. S. Cyber Command sending warnings 2 us. Come like pop-up ad on computer screen. Say “ATTENTION! You are under scrutiny by the United States Cyber Task Force. Your activities will be reported and dealt with in an exemplary fashion.” What that mean, exemplary fashion? Is that like Fall fashion statement? Who is this General Paul Nakasone? Him Japanese? We no know him.

Karl Marx himself could not fault our projekt. But it was Vladimir Ilyich Lenin who said, “Given enough wodka, the Russian soldier can conquer the world!”

But enough about us!

Amerikan peoples! U no need 2 wote. Big waste of U time. Mitch McConnell in charge. Him Proud Mary like in song by Creedence Clearwater Revival. U know this song? Great song! When Mitch no like legislation, him sit on ass like him toad on toadstool and him no wield gavel. This called “gridlock.” This good 4 Rossiya. Amerika fucked up the creek without paddle, we Russians laugh. We cry crocodile tear. We laugh in beard. We laugh in soup. We laugh around corner. Laugh in many places. These called colloquial phrases. Is good.

Grump keep Amerika divided. Him make half Amerika proud, but him drive other half crazy. Is good. Him fulfill Five Year Plan. In Rossiya, we sit in St. Petersburg and say “What we gonna do 2 fuck around wid Amerika? Big erektion coming. How fuck up? How???”

Grump rally take care of this bizness. We very admire Grump rally.

No, no. Nyet. I yam yust yoking. Hahahahahahahaha!

Why U no laugh???