yustyoking

I am Marvin Kavanofski and I approve this message. Also, I am running for president.

Rumor has it that the Republican National Committee is providing troop carriers, water trucks and choo-choo trains for the migrant caravan in Mexico, all to fire up the Republican base. Tickets available ONLINE.

This is a very strong rumor, a Tabasco sauce strength rumor. I do not believe this claim is REMOTELY true, of course, until proven otherwise. Yes, it may be true, only not “remotely” true. Where’s that remote? If it is remotely true, all you have to do is go to Mexico City and, you know, look! Meanwhile, let us admire the proliferation of conspiracy theories currently… uh, proliferating.

What did one unindicted co-conspirator say to the other unindicted co-conspirator? HOW SHOULD I KNOW?! What is this, The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest?

When Trump says there are “Middle Easterners” in the caravan of Central American migrants traversing Mexico, he means one-time residents of Delmarva: Delaware, Maryland and Virginia. Obviously. People in those states are in the middle of the Eastern Seaboard. They are Easterners. That makes them, by definition, Middle Easterners. Presto change-o! It’s all in the language. Trump is a true Wizard of Oz. Although I only occasionally find myself a Trump apologist, I cannot constantly deny all of the wonderful things he does. However, I prefer to run as an independent: non-partisan, impartial, judicious, a Mr. No Comment. My Twitter feed reflects this, trafficking in conspiracy theories from a broad spectrum of anti-authoritarian, libertarian, agrarian-reformer websites. Ain’t no Commies in Cuba, they all be agrarian reformers! Ain’t no white supremacists among Trump’s followers, they all be racial misogynists!

I am sure that among Trump supporters, there are some truly nasty people. And some truly wonderful people. All kinds. All kinds among his supporters. All kinds at Trump rallies. All kinds wearing MAGA caps. I totally support MAGA, the Municipal Agricultural Group Administration of Albemarle County. Long live tobacco, everybody! I’m not a smoker, but I am glad people can enjoy the solace of nicotine when need be. Preferably NOT, of course, but… whatever churns your butter, right? It’s a free country, at least until your next-door-neighbor puts in a fancy drainage system that floods your lawn with his spill water. Flooded lawn? Wear hip boots, dude!

I, Marvin Kavanofski, want to be your president. I will do so many good things as your president.

“Why am I running for president in these perilous times?” you might well ask. Go ahead. Ask! Leadership. I want to be the kind of leader who isn’t afraid to get up and call the enemies of the people by their right and true name: “enemies of the people.” There, I said it! Wherever they might rear their ugly heads. Assuming their heads are ugly, of course. What do I know? Some may have very attractive heads. Some “enemies of the people” may be groomed for television. Some may be glamorous, gorgeous Hollywood movie stars. Other “enemies of the people” may be members of your own extended family! Uncle Roger, for instance. What kind of skeletons are in his closet? Aunt Lucille calls him a “schlemiel.” That must signify something. Pul-lease! Just thinking about it gives me heartburn.

Naturally, I’m not happy about the United States Postal Service delivering pipe bombs to celebrities. This is SO WRONG in so many different ways. Why only celebrities? Why does the Common Man always get Left Out and Forgotten? WHY??? Is there a special postage rate for pipe bombs or do they go as First Class Mail? Or Small Package? Are commemorative stamps allowed? How about insurance? What if you want to send the pipe bomb registered mail? Will the recipient be required to sign for it? Can my pipe bomb package be labeled “Fragile, Handle With Care”? Can I have it hand-stamped? With a date stamp clearly visible in the upper right-hand corner? If I fill out the green form, will I then be able to electronically track my package at USPS.com?

Not everyone knows how to make a pipe bomb, baby! I don’t. We just had the 30^th reunion of my high school class, and as much as I love my classmates, I am willing to bet hard currency that not even half the people in that room knew how to construct a functioning pipe bomb. Not. Half. So! Do I need to consult ISIS to make a pipe bomb? What about homegrown American pipe bombs? They must be better. We are America, for God’s sake. We are exceptional.

I do not support the Serbian anarchist who threw the bomb at Archduke Franz Ferdinand, starting World War One. Others may support him, but I do not. Anarchist, schmanarchist, I am not the Antichrist. Someone else may be the Antichrist, but I am not.

These are dangerous times to be a man. You can get accused of all sorts of things, but throwing Serbian anarchists probably isn’t one of them.

It is the elites who throw bombs. Here’s PROOF: What was that play in the 1960’s, “We Bombed in New Haven”? You can’t get more elite than New Haven, Connecticut. I’m right about that, aren’t I?

Which brings us back to my presidency. As president, I promise to reduce the deficit, reign in wild spending, aid the Commonweal (whatever that entails), stand for Truth, Justice, Flag, Country, Ma, Pa and Apple Pie. Key Lime Pie. Blueberry Pie. Blueberry Hill. I got my thrill up on… yada, yada, yada.

When it comes to health insurance and our schools— two of this country’s most pressing campaign issues— let me just say from the outset that I OPPOSE HYPERVITAMINOSIS, a rare and usually fatal medical condition that arises after eating polar bear liver. Ask your doctor if hypervitaminosis is a threat to you. At the same time, we cannot idly stand by and let the polar bears drown as the north polar ice cap turns to water. I have met many cold women in my life. Perhaps by sending them north in cruise ships, their icy demeanor will turn the tide of global warming. Who knows, it might just work! As Donald Trump says, what do we have to lose?

Sure I feel bad that Megyn Kelly got ambushed by the PC Police and lost her morning gig on NBC’s Today Show. It’s no fun to experience public shaming. If I got hung out to dry for every Politically Incorrect misstatement I have ever made, I wouldn’t have time to run for public office! The gonzo executives at network television knew that Megyn was a stormy number when they hired her. One controversial lady. This is a typical dust-up inside the fishbowl existence of New York media: High salaries, high stakes, big egos. Full Disclosure: Twenty years ago, when I showed up with my ‘Hail fellow, well met,” friend-to-all-the-world attitude, it didn’t take six months for my co-workers— playing office politics— to blacken my reputation and burn me alive. Network TV gets the garbage they deserve.

I am campaigning on these and other issues.

Our Civic Association NEEDS ME, and as president, I promise to ALWAYS answer my phone at 3 a.m.!!! Always!!! In fact, that’s the only time I do intend to answer my phone. I LOVE late, late night TV, so I am up and prowling the refrigerator in my pajamas and slippers at 3 a.m. anyhoo.

Betcha didn’t know that, right?

*** Vote for Marvin Kavanofski for Civic Association President! ***

Vote early! Vote often!

This announcement was paid for by… wait a sec! This announcement wasn’t paid for. At all. Hot damn! We just saved $1.35 on advertising.